Passions

One of the factors contributing to my current state of mind is the additional time I have on my own. I no longer "look after" anyone and I don't know what to do with myself.

It is an ironic thing because for 20 years I have been raising my kids and wishing for the days I don't have to so I can do what I want. Now that that time is here, I have NO CLUE what I want to do. And I have known this for a few years but didn't believe it. People warned me this might happen. And last year people asked me if maybe that was the reason I was in limbo with work and my marriage - that maybe it was not having the responsibility of the kids. No, I said. No way. I've been waiting for this! And it's true. I was waiting. And now I still am because it is up to me to make the first step to find out what I WANT, what makes me happy.

I read an article today that it usually takes years for people to find their passion when starting from a blank slate. Well that's me! It doesn't come easily for some of us.

Without me realizing, it is passion that lead me to my post last week. This passion "they" speak of ... oozing it's way out of you, right under your nose, in hindsight. The reason I think this happens is because somehow we've been led to believe that our "passion" is some significant "event", a great career or some big creative specialty like art or music or a NYT bestselling author. When really our passion is just that - ours - the thing that makes our heart and soul sing out, that brings us joy, that brings a smile to our face, makes us laugh, gives us that little bit of energy to get through our day knowing that at the end of it, we might be able to fit in that 15 minutes of whatever it is that makes us happy.

And the passion does not have to be only one thing! Nor does it have to always be that thing. I think it would change. Morph into different channels - pathways you didn't even know existed. I think passion needs support and acceptance for it to poke its way out. I think it stays deep inside, scared to show itself because of fear of what others may think (and you know where I stand on that).

Let it out. Encourage it. Let it know that you will be there to accept it every time. How? By noticing it and smiling and enjoying every minute - even if the feeling only lasts for one minute. Your acknowledgement of it will help you feel it the next time, and the next time. And it will get easier.

I think (hope) that every time we spend 15 minutes doing something that brings us joy, it helps to release more knowledge to us about ourselves and our passions. That it lets us see and accept ourselves more and more.

And that every day, little by little, we grow into that and other passions and the benefits of those 15 minutes we get spreads through our entire day. Our 15 minutes of passion has transformed us from the inside out. It radiates from inside. That is my hope.

My intention from today onward: Just take notice of the things that bring me joy, put a smile on my face and energize me. Don't worry about figuring out what to do with those things - just enjoy them.

We are all different and our differences are what makes the world go round.

Once again I find myself in my own personal "no man's land".
This is the place where I am not doing what I want nor am I doing what I am responsible for (work and household repsonsibilities) and I am telling myself lies such as - I don't have time to do what I want because I'm doing all those other "responsible things". I'm calling "Bullshit!" on myself. Someone has to.

Yes I'm busy.

Yes I'm playing baseball.

Yes I'm working full time.

Yes I'm working on my marriage.

Yes I deserve down time.


We all have the above and more. That doesn't mean we stop and do nothing.


But what I realized is that whenever I think about the wants = writing, or running (yes I did enjoy it! and would like to again), or the things I "should" do = going to the gym to get back into shape,doing household chores or even going to the grocery store! I think about how "hard" it will be. I procrastinate and I start to make excuses ....

I can't "do" anything (important) with it (writing) so why bother.

I need to just sit and relax - it's the weekend.

I'm so tired after working all day.

I need to spend time with my husband.

It's too hot out.

I'll go later.

I've never had to diet in my life, it must be a phase, just wait it out.


And sometimes the "why me" stage starts to rear its head ... why do I have to work? Why do I have to do the groceries, clean the house, walk the dog? Why aren't I rich? Whine whine whine . . . etc etc. Does any of that help me?  No.


Why do I (we) do this?


I need to find my mojo again. I need to find the "thing" that drives me. 

And to be perfectly honest - I'm pretty sure that "thing" is PEOPLE. I am a more sociable creature than I originally thought. I need people around me - good times, bad times, laughs, tears, conversations and I need to feel that I am helping others. It doesn't have to be something super crazy important. In fact, I probably don't want that.


What I do want is to feel like I have said, done or written something that makes others feel the need to help themselves, that makes them angry, that makes them scared, that makes them happy, that gives them their own "aha moment", that helps them to think or motivate themselves to do what's important to them at this moment, or help them through a tough time or whatever.


That is why I write. That is why I run. That is why I listen. That is why I talk. That is why I am here in this life. My motivation for everything I do is people.


Is this bad? It can sound that way. In fact I have tried to steer away from this all my life because I thought maybe it was weak. That I was wrong by doing it. That it made me dependent on others. 


On one hand it seems as though I am dependent on others for my happiness. It seems as though I am doing things to please other people and not myself. But this is not true - In pleasing other people I am pleasing myself. In fact, it can be said that I am being selfish - I am doing what I want in order to please myself - it just so happens to please others as well. I feel like I have accomplished something. It is a feeling that I do not get from anything else. I am a people person.


There is nothing wrong with me. And there is nothing wrong with you. Find your "thing" and do it, regardless of what anyone else thinks - that includes that little voice in your head that says you are wrong. It may be your worst enemy.

That voice is wrong not you.

     When I woke up early and realized that sleep would not be coming back for me I ended up on my phone cleaning up my mailbox. One of the emails was from Chapters and I went through the books they are currently promoting. One book title which caught my eye but I didn’t click on was a book called “The Opposite of Loneliness”, a book of personal essays and poems. I silently said “hmm, neat name, I wonder what it is really about?” but I did not click on it. I passed it by.

     An hour later I was reading The Globe and Mail. I rarely read the newspaper and when I do I typically only read the Arts\Life sections and sometimes the odd headline that peaks my interest. This time the front page of the Arts section is a full page story titled The literary afterlife of a published Yale star by Sarah Hampson. The story catches me right away. The first paragraph pulls me in and screams at me. It is as if the columnist is speaking directly to me, somehow reading my soul and telling me how it is. But the ironic part is that as I continue to read I find out that the article is about a story of a young lady, who was killed in a car accident 5 days after graduating from Yale. And she is the author of the book I had seen on my phone an hour earlier.

And these are the kinds of signs from the universe that tell me there is something there for me to stop and take a look.

     These types of coincidences always make me feel in awe of the universe and our place in it. Was it random or meant to be? Sure it may seem like a small coincidence, meaningless possibly in the larger world, but lately I think that these little things are the things we need to be watchful for. These are the things we learn from if we follow them through. You never know where it might lead you. It is more likely that there will be many little things than one big thing that will change us or our lives. I believe that a string of little things lead up to a big thing. And most people don’t notice the little things, they focus on the big thing and believe that was the changing moment.

     We need to watch for the little things. The things that make you say "hmmm", the things that give your heart a little leap or give you that little butterfly feeling in your stomach. These are the meaningful things to your soul. Follow your instincts, see where they lead and act on them. I believe this is the path to fulfilling our souls and showing us where our place is in this big mysterious universe.

One Thing

A recap – I was taking a creative writing course from January through to a week ago. In the last class, the teacher asked about blogs, I ended up looking at mine and realized that I had some ok stuff on there. And I realized I hadn’t written on it for A YEAR!!! Wow.

So I’d like to restart.

I have been up to a lot of things this past year - most were internal but that's ok. That's good for me. You always need time to reflect and think and change and most importantly GROW.

This post will be a small one and the jist of the post is JUST START SOMETHING! Anything! But only ONE THING.

Why??

I need to start something because:

I have been lazy.

I have been injured.

I have been unmotivated.

I have been in my own bubble. ;-)

And here I am – quite a few added pounds and inches, a calf that hasn’t healed, possibly because I haven’t done as recommended (or something really bad is wrong with it), unmotivated because of those two things and I really really like my bubble (somehow it remains all good in this bubble of mine), lol. But I am looking for a change. Hence the JUST START SOMETHING! But only one thing. Anymore than that and it can be discouraging. Honestly, just start one thing. Pick it and do it. Let go of the list. The list is too big and discourages. It overwhelms.

A very good and knowing friend gave me this little keepsake which sits on my bedside table. Today it is very fitting.

My starting point is I am going for a swim. Swimming is a great all-over-body exercise. It will start me on the path to activity with very low injury possibility. It is non-impact. I did a super small 50m jog while on a walk with Blue the other night and found that the next day my calf injury was still there (because somehow I really thought that ignorance was bliss) and just slightly nagging at me. So obviously there is truly something wrong with it. So running is not the answer right now. So I will swim. That is it. Well, that and some strengthening exercises I was already supposed to be doing. Shhhhhh....

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Today on my morning walk with Blue something amazing happened.


I smelled the heat! And with it spring! Finally!


I could actually smell the warm pockets of air. It made me so happy. I need the warmth. It seems like it was a very long cold winter and I couldn't seem to pull myself out of this little depression.


But this morning was joyful. I smelled it briefly and then it was gone. It was that brief and surprised "Oh!"  and I smiled a real smile. But then it was gone. I lifted my head and sniffed trying to find it again. I almost thought I was imagining it but thankfully I was able to find a few more spots along the way.


It reminded me of swimming in a cold lake and finding a warm spot. You get all excited and just as quickly it's gone. You keep swimming around trying to find another one and another one. That was me this morning.


What does heat smell like you may wonder?


To me the heat or warmth smells warm and moist and deep and heavy. It brings upon me feelings of happiness and the promise of more. The promise of warm mornings and the shedding of these heavy sweaters and pants, letting my body breathe and feel the air against my skin. The promise of fun days and sunshine and family and friends and outdoor activities. Of coffee in the backyard watching the world wake up. Of glorious yellow and orange sunrises. Of green buds starting to show on the trees and bushes and flower beds. Of warm nights sitting outside enjoying the slight breeze.

Spring . . . Thank you for coming, it's been a while.

I got home on Friday after work to find my home without cable tv, internet or home phone. What a great start! I thought. I had a lot of work to do. My last assignment for my course was due at midnight and I had to do a huge revision.

So after spending 30 mins on the phone with Rogers, I ended up with the "first available technician appointment" scheduled for SUNDAY a.m. Grrrr .... Ok, it is what it is, just deal with it, and move along.

So that's what I did. I got to work. At 10:30 p.m. I put my laptop in my backpack and walked through the snow to my local Tim Hortons. I got myself a blueberry tea and a gross oatmeal raisin cookie. Did you know that cookie variety is very limited at night?? What a disappointment. I don't go there very often so the cookie was to be a treat! But an oatmeal raisin cookie is not my idea of a treat.

So sitting at Tim Hortons, using their Wi-Fi, I submitted my final assignment. Whew!

My course is done this week. Which I am glad of. I am waiting for the final class on Wednesday that goes into more detail about the course as a career and how to move forward. I am not sure if I want to continue in this line of courses or not.

One thing I learned is that course took up A LOT OF MY TIME. Whether it was the adjustment to learning or doing it online or the subject matter, who knows. What I do know is that if I take another course I need to be prepared for it to consume me and my time. I have a feeling my next course will be more of a creative writing course. I think my need to express myself is driving me. I don't feel the need to learn a new career. I feel the need to fulfill something for me personally.

I am going to chill out and just breathe for a while after it ends. See what comes to me and where my soul leads me next.

It's a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes you happy. ~Lucille Ball

February

I hate February.



Yes, I said it. I used the word 'hate'. Yes it is a strong word but really really useful sometimes.


It's Tuesday. I was wishing the week over on Monday morning!! Guess what? It's no better today.


Sometimes it's just that way. I can't seem to find anything to make it better. And work .... well that's near impossible. I cannot concentrate even one little bit. I was done mentally at 11 a.m. today. I've been sitting here making it look good.



February is:

... cold.

... dark.

... depressing.

... blah.

... long (ironically it is the shortest in the number of days).



I feel couped up. I feel sad. I feel bored. I feel antsy. I feel like I want to sleep just so I don't have to think or do anything. I feel mad. I feel restless. I feel lazy. I feel irritable. As I write these descriptions, I realize I am in conflict with what it is that I am feeling exactly!


I guess the questions is: What do I want, really want at this moment? Obviously my insides are searching for something ... and not finding it.


So do I really hate February? Or is that the only thing my brain could come up with to excuse the feelings? I think my brain should stay out of this. I need to feel those feelings. Really stop and live them. Just BE in them until the answer comes to me. Stop and just be. It will come to me eventually. Usually when I'm doing something else and no longer expecting it.


Wow, I love writing. It releases the crazies I have running around inside me. Clarifies and calms me. Almost lays a pathway in front of me to follow.



What releases your crazies?