As I went along trying to figure out how to change my job I realized that all “jobs” are basically the same, especially since I’d just be jumping jobs not changing my “career”. So then that lead to the idea that it must be my “career” that needed to change. I needed to get out of my “career” into something totally different. Yep, that’s the key, I thought to myself. That will fix everything.
So I throw myself into thinking about, researching new careers, education, job opportunities, starting my own business etc. I jumped onto that bandwagon full force. I spent weeks on that. I came out with an idea, made some decisions, planned it out and then waited for the pieces to fall into place. As I calmed down and reality set back in, I realized that I wasn’t even sure I actually wanted to do what I’d been planning.
Now that this reality set in I felt a little disappointed. Now what?, I thought. Now I’m not doing anything and I have to do or change something to be happy, remember?? Get on it. Figure it out. I felt out of control of my own life. Depressed. I was feeling desperate for something, anything, to come to me.
Light bulb appears over my head. MOVE! That’s it! I need to move. There’s the change I need. I’ll move to Yellowknife for a while, live off the job there, find another one, work while doing the schooling I needed for my original plan above. Moving forces me to change careers and I need the help to get me into action. Another perfect idea! Except one big obstacle – family. I have a family that needs to be considered in this. Hmmm . . . So I start to figure out how to deal with that. I talk to my daughter, I check out the high school so she can come with me. I play everything out in my head. It works. Except deep inside I hear some faint screaming. No you can’t do this. It’s not in the plan. You made a promise.
Promise. Plan. Shit, where did that voice just come from?? Ahhh yes, the original original plan. The promise I made to myself about 5-6 years ago. The one I have been keeping because it is very very important to me:
“I will start my life, doing what I want, once I have raised my children and gotten them through high school.” I brought them into this world and it is my responsibility to help them get to the adult world. After that they are on their own. My last 20 yrs have been dedicated to them. That was my passion, my job, my responsibility, to raise them the best I could with what I had. After that, my life becomes my own.
I have 2 years left in the “plan”. Only 2 years. I need to stick to the plan. As I thought this through I realized that it was ok. My plan to change careers and move, etc. wasn’t as much about me as I originally thought. I was only making that decision based on “needing to change something” but there was a missing piece of the puzzle though – a big one – I didn’t want the eventual outcome. Thinking about the end result didn’t make me happy. It just changed my career and job and not to something I wanted. It would be no better than what I was doing now. I decided the best action I could take is to spend the next 2 years actually planning for “my life” instead of jumping at the first thing I think of just because I’m desperate, which is what I had been doing.
I have since been reading and researching and soul searching to find out who I am. Still processing. Still learning but the biggest “Aha” moment I have come to so far, is this:
It is not about jobs or careers or what other people want or expect, etc. It is about making changes within yourself to do the stuff you WANT to do for you personally. Find out what makes you HAPPY. Fulfilling your needs and wants. Doing the things you enjoy. Once you find those things and do them regularly, you will be happier in all areas of your life. Even the job you once thought you hated becomes tolerable (possibly even likeable again) because it’s not your job that defines you or your life. Doing what makes you happy should. Changing your job or where you live is not going to “fix” your unhappiness. It might feel like that in the beginning but you’ll end up doing the same things you always do except you are in a different location.
Trying new things you think you might like, trying things you never thought you wanted. While taking the time for yourself and trying out everything you may find what you love to do, what gets you excited and you may find out what you hate, which is good too. Once you find the things, you make sure you take the time to do them everyday. And if those actions lead to a new career or a move or both then lucky you. If not, you’ll still be happily fulfilling yourself wherever you are.
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