Passions

One of the factors contributing to my current state of mind is the additional time I have on my own. I no longer "look after" anyone and I don't know what to do with myself.

It is an ironic thing because for 20 years I have been raising my kids and wishing for the days I don't have to so I can do what I want. Now that that time is here, I have NO CLUE what I want to do. And I have known this for a few years but didn't believe it. People warned me this might happen. And last year people asked me if maybe that was the reason I was in limbo with work and my marriage - that maybe it was not having the responsibility of the kids. No, I said. No way. I've been waiting for this! And it's true. I was waiting. And now I still am because it is up to me to make the first step to find out what I WANT, what makes me happy.

I read an article today that it usually takes years for people to find their passion when starting from a blank slate. Well that's me! It doesn't come easily for some of us.

Without me realizing, it is passion that lead me to my post last week. This passion "they" speak of ... oozing it's way out of you, right under your nose, in hindsight. The reason I think this happens is because somehow we've been led to believe that our "passion" is some significant "event", a great career or some big creative specialty like art or music or a NYT bestselling author. When really our passion is just that - ours - the thing that makes our heart and soul sing out, that brings us joy, that brings a smile to our face, makes us laugh, gives us that little bit of energy to get through our day knowing that at the end of it, we might be able to fit in that 15 minutes of whatever it is that makes us happy.

And the passion does not have to be only one thing! Nor does it have to always be that thing. I think it would change. Morph into different channels - pathways you didn't even know existed. I think passion needs support and acceptance for it to poke its way out. I think it stays deep inside, scared to show itself because of fear of what others may think (and you know where I stand on that).

Let it out. Encourage it. Let it know that you will be there to accept it every time. How? By noticing it and smiling and enjoying every minute - even if the feeling only lasts for one minute. Your acknowledgement of it will help you feel it the next time, and the next time. And it will get easier.

I think (hope) that every time we spend 15 minutes doing something that brings us joy, it helps to release more knowledge to us about ourselves and our passions. That it lets us see and accept ourselves more and more.

And that every day, little by little, we grow into that and other passions and the benefits of those 15 minutes we get spreads through our entire day. Our 15 minutes of passion has transformed us from the inside out. It radiates from inside. That is my hope.

My intention from today onward: Just take notice of the things that bring me joy, put a smile on my face and energize me. Don't worry about figuring out what to do with those things - just enjoy them.

We are all different and our differences are what makes the world go round.

Once again I find myself in my own personal "no man's land".
This is the place where I am not doing what I want nor am I doing what I am responsible for (work and household repsonsibilities) and I am telling myself lies such as - I don't have time to do what I want because I'm doing all those other "responsible things". I'm calling "Bullshit!" on myself. Someone has to.

Yes I'm busy.

Yes I'm playing baseball.

Yes I'm working full time.

Yes I'm working on my marriage.

Yes I deserve down time.


We all have the above and more. That doesn't mean we stop and do nothing.


But what I realized is that whenever I think about the wants = writing, or running (yes I did enjoy it! and would like to again), or the things I "should" do = going to the gym to get back into shape,doing household chores or even going to the grocery store! I think about how "hard" it will be. I procrastinate and I start to make excuses ....

I can't "do" anything (important) with it (writing) so why bother.

I need to just sit and relax - it's the weekend.

I'm so tired after working all day.

I need to spend time with my husband.

It's too hot out.

I'll go later.

I've never had to diet in my life, it must be a phase, just wait it out.


And sometimes the "why me" stage starts to rear its head ... why do I have to work? Why do I have to do the groceries, clean the house, walk the dog? Why aren't I rich? Whine whine whine . . . etc etc. Does any of that help me?  No.


Why do I (we) do this?


I need to find my mojo again. I need to find the "thing" that drives me. 

And to be perfectly honest - I'm pretty sure that "thing" is PEOPLE. I am a more sociable creature than I originally thought. I need people around me - good times, bad times, laughs, tears, conversations and I need to feel that I am helping others. It doesn't have to be something super crazy important. In fact, I probably don't want that.


What I do want is to feel like I have said, done or written something that makes others feel the need to help themselves, that makes them angry, that makes them scared, that makes them happy, that gives them their own "aha moment", that helps them to think or motivate themselves to do what's important to them at this moment, or help them through a tough time or whatever.


That is why I write. That is why I run. That is why I listen. That is why I talk. That is why I am here in this life. My motivation for everything I do is people.


Is this bad? It can sound that way. In fact I have tried to steer away from this all my life because I thought maybe it was weak. That I was wrong by doing it. That it made me dependent on others. 


On one hand it seems as though I am dependent on others for my happiness. It seems as though I am doing things to please other people and not myself. But this is not true - In pleasing other people I am pleasing myself. In fact, it can be said that I am being selfish - I am doing what I want in order to please myself - it just so happens to please others as well. I feel like I have accomplished something. It is a feeling that I do not get from anything else. I am a people person.


There is nothing wrong with me. And there is nothing wrong with you. Find your "thing" and do it, regardless of what anyone else thinks - that includes that little voice in your head that says you are wrong. It may be your worst enemy.

That voice is wrong not you.

     When I woke up early and realized that sleep would not be coming back for me I ended up on my phone cleaning up my mailbox. One of the emails was from Chapters and I went through the books they are currently promoting. One book title which caught my eye but I didn’t click on was a book called “The Opposite of Loneliness”, a book of personal essays and poems. I silently said “hmm, neat name, I wonder what it is really about?” but I did not click on it. I passed it by.

     An hour later I was reading The Globe and Mail. I rarely read the newspaper and when I do I typically only read the Arts\Life sections and sometimes the odd headline that peaks my interest. This time the front page of the Arts section is a full page story titled The literary afterlife of a published Yale star by Sarah Hampson. The story catches me right away. The first paragraph pulls me in and screams at me. It is as if the columnist is speaking directly to me, somehow reading my soul and telling me how it is. But the ironic part is that as I continue to read I find out that the article is about a story of a young lady, who was killed in a car accident 5 days after graduating from Yale. And she is the author of the book I had seen on my phone an hour earlier.

And these are the kinds of signs from the universe that tell me there is something there for me to stop and take a look.

     These types of coincidences always make me feel in awe of the universe and our place in it. Was it random or meant to be? Sure it may seem like a small coincidence, meaningless possibly in the larger world, but lately I think that these little things are the things we need to be watchful for. These are the things we learn from if we follow them through. You never know where it might lead you. It is more likely that there will be many little things than one big thing that will change us or our lives. I believe that a string of little things lead up to a big thing. And most people don’t notice the little things, they focus on the big thing and believe that was the changing moment.

     We need to watch for the little things. The things that make you say "hmmm", the things that give your heart a little leap or give you that little butterfly feeling in your stomach. These are the meaningful things to your soul. Follow your instincts, see where they lead and act on them. I believe this is the path to fulfilling our souls and showing us where our place is in this big mysterious universe.

One Thing

A recap – I was taking a creative writing course from January through to a week ago. In the last class, the teacher asked about blogs, I ended up looking at mine and realized that I had some ok stuff on there. And I realized I hadn’t written on it for A YEAR!!! Wow.

So I’d like to restart.

I have been up to a lot of things this past year - most were internal but that's ok. That's good for me. You always need time to reflect and think and change and most importantly GROW.

This post will be a small one and the jist of the post is JUST START SOMETHING! Anything! But only ONE THING.

Why??

I need to start something because:

I have been lazy.

I have been injured.

I have been unmotivated.

I have been in my own bubble. ;-)

And here I am – quite a few added pounds and inches, a calf that hasn’t healed, possibly because I haven’t done as recommended (or something really bad is wrong with it), unmotivated because of those two things and I really really like my bubble (somehow it remains all good in this bubble of mine), lol. But I am looking for a change. Hence the JUST START SOMETHING! But only one thing. Anymore than that and it can be discouraging. Honestly, just start one thing. Pick it and do it. Let go of the list. The list is too big and discourages. It overwhelms.

A very good and knowing friend gave me this little keepsake which sits on my bedside table. Today it is very fitting.

My starting point is I am going for a swim. Swimming is a great all-over-body exercise. It will start me on the path to activity with very low injury possibility. It is non-impact. I did a super small 50m jog while on a walk with Blue the other night and found that the next day my calf injury was still there (because somehow I really thought that ignorance was bliss) and just slightly nagging at me. So obviously there is truly something wrong with it. So running is not the answer right now. So I will swim. That is it. Well, that and some strengthening exercises I was already supposed to be doing. Shhhhhh....

For those that are on the mailing list and don’t want to be, just email me back and I’ll take you off. For those who want ON it, sign up - on the right there is an email sign up! For people on the mailing list happily - hit the link to go to my actual blog and comment – It is encouraging to know people are listening and enjoying it or hating it and even a comment can set off a new post . . . I know it can be weird but hey, just put a smiley face or an angry face or whatever. Just mark your territory. Let me know you are out there.

Today on my morning walk with Blue something amazing happened.


I smelled the heat! And with it spring! Finally!


I could actually smell the warm pockets of air. It made me so happy. I need the warmth. It seems like it was a very long cold winter and I couldn't seem to pull myself out of this little depression.


But this morning was joyful. I smelled it briefly and then it was gone. It was that brief and surprised "Oh!"  and I smiled a real smile. But then it was gone. I lifted my head and sniffed trying to find it again. I almost thought I was imagining it but thankfully I was able to find a few more spots along the way.


It reminded me of swimming in a cold lake and finding a warm spot. You get all excited and just as quickly it's gone. You keep swimming around trying to find another one and another one. That was me this morning.


What does heat smell like you may wonder?


To me the heat or warmth smells warm and moist and deep and heavy. It brings upon me feelings of happiness and the promise of more. The promise of warm mornings and the shedding of these heavy sweaters and pants, letting my body breathe and feel the air against my skin. The promise of fun days and sunshine and family and friends and outdoor activities. Of coffee in the backyard watching the world wake up. Of glorious yellow and orange sunrises. Of green buds starting to show on the trees and bushes and flower beds. Of warm nights sitting outside enjoying the slight breeze.

Spring . . . Thank you for coming, it's been a while.

I got home on Friday after work to find my home without cable tv, internet or home phone. What a great start! I thought. I had a lot of work to do. My last assignment for my course was due at midnight and I had to do a huge revision.

So after spending 30 mins on the phone with Rogers, I ended up with the "first available technician appointment" scheduled for SUNDAY a.m. Grrrr .... Ok, it is what it is, just deal with it, and move along.

So that's what I did. I got to work. At 10:30 p.m. I put my laptop in my backpack and walked through the snow to my local Tim Hortons. I got myself a blueberry tea and a gross oatmeal raisin cookie. Did you know that cookie variety is very limited at night?? What a disappointment. I don't go there very often so the cookie was to be a treat! But an oatmeal raisin cookie is not my idea of a treat.

So sitting at Tim Hortons, using their Wi-Fi, I submitted my final assignment. Whew!

My course is done this week. Which I am glad of. I am waiting for the final class on Wednesday that goes into more detail about the course as a career and how to move forward. I am not sure if I want to continue in this line of courses or not.

One thing I learned is that course took up A LOT OF MY TIME. Whether it was the adjustment to learning or doing it online or the subject matter, who knows. What I do know is that if I take another course I need to be prepared for it to consume me and my time. I have a feeling my next course will be more of a creative writing course. I think my need to express myself is driving me. I don't feel the need to learn a new career. I feel the need to fulfill something for me personally.

I am going to chill out and just breathe for a while after it ends. See what comes to me and where my soul leads me next.

It's a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes you happy. ~Lucille Ball

February

I hate February.



Yes, I said it. I used the word 'hate'. Yes it is a strong word but really really useful sometimes.


It's Tuesday. I was wishing the week over on Monday morning!! Guess what? It's no better today.


Sometimes it's just that way. I can't seem to find anything to make it better. And work .... well that's near impossible. I cannot concentrate even one little bit. I was done mentally at 11 a.m. today. I've been sitting here making it look good.



February is:

... cold.

... dark.

... depressing.

... blah.

... long (ironically it is the shortest in the number of days).



I feel couped up. I feel sad. I feel bored. I feel antsy. I feel like I want to sleep just so I don't have to think or do anything. I feel mad. I feel restless. I feel lazy. I feel irritable. As I write these descriptions, I realize I am in conflict with what it is that I am feeling exactly!


I guess the questions is: What do I want, really want at this moment? Obviously my insides are searching for something ... and not finding it.


So do I really hate February? Or is that the only thing my brain could come up with to excuse the feelings? I think my brain should stay out of this. I need to feel those feelings. Really stop and live them. Just BE in them until the answer comes to me. Stop and just be. It will come to me eventually. Usually when I'm doing something else and no longer expecting it.


Wow, I love writing. It releases the crazies I have running around inside me. Clarifies and calms me. Almost lays a pathway in front of me to follow.



What releases your crazies?

I wanted to apologize for my lack of contact.


I started an online course on January 9th. Yay me! Finally. I've been talking about it for years and finally took the plunge.

Well let me tell you - what an experience! A huge learning curve.


The amounts of reading and information that needs to be taken in is huge. I found out the hard way that my comprehension level after 8:30 p.m. is slim to none. So I changed my schedule to wake up an hour earlier and do reading and course work in the morning when my mind is sharp and clear.

There is also the fact that the college recommended 7 - 9 hours per week to be spent on course work is actually LOW for a newbie. Try doubling that for the first few weeks. First I needed to be able to FOCUS for long periods of time. What!?! We are a society of multitaskers and information overload. The first week I swore I had undiagnosed A.D.D. My attention span lasted about 3-4 sentences MAX on reading and retaining what I had read.

Then I needed to relearn how to read teacher-speak and read assignments. The key was to figure out how the teacher wanted  things done without actually telling you how to do it! We are so used to being told what to do in our jobs. We wait for instruction because it is usually coming at us constantly. A society of robots, doing as we are told, not thinking for ourselves.

Then there is the weekly assignments. I needed to figure out the proper wording, arrangement, style, etc. all on my own. This is an online course and almost all communication is done through message boards and email. There is no option to go in after school and ask for help! And the risk of MIScommunicating is high. It is very difficult to have a "discussion" on email.

Then comes fitting this in with all your regular responsibilities at home! I'm sure no explanation is required.
So in the end ... it has been 4 weeks and I'm feeling confident. I have a better handle on the whole thing, I have my timing organized, and I am sure that the course will go well now.

I have fought the fear. I have taken a leap. And I have landed on both feet.

Yay me!

You gain strength, experience, and confidence by every experience

where you really stop to look fear in the face . . . .

You must do the thing you cannot do.

Eleanor Roosevelt

Happy New Year!

And here we go again. The start of a new year . . .

Here's to hoping it's a better one. So far so good. Although as I write that I realize that it is not about "hoping" and letting life lead you. It's about taking the lead in your life. I believe life has a some what predetermined path of some kind but you don't blindly follow it.

You pick and choose the directions you are going. Many people believe that the choices are either right or wrong. White or black. However, I think it's not so much about right or wrong but what you experience and learn with each turn you take.

Making the "right" choice to bring you your every wish is not the key to life. All choices are "right" because they lead you along your path, your journey through life. It is our journey that is the key to life, not what we get in the end. Even if it seems like you took a step backwards or sideways. It could just be that you learned a route not to take or that you needed to take a break and stop to take a look around and reassess the situation. Or that you simply needed to rest. Every step on this journey is necessary. Only a moment in time in our life but each moment is meant to be experienced.

Life is full of these moments - sometimes the way is clear and sometimes it's like walking through a forest, at night, without moonlight to show you the way. While you are stumbling down the path, possibly full of roots and rocks, ocassionally bumping into trees, remember that eventually the morning comes and with it clarity and light.

It is that moment, when you stumble out into the bright sunshine, that you smile and say to yourself - "Aha, I see it now" that you realize you ARE on the right path. This path, full of twists and turns, and ups and downs, darkness and light, is right because it is YOUR path. You belong here and it is up to you to find your way . . . not by asking directions or following others . . . but by making your own choices, following your gut and going in the direction YOU want to take. Most importantly while on this path, do not forget to look around and experience every moment, pause sometimes to take a deep breath of fresh air, take in the scenery, and enjoy . . .

2013 - a new year - it is your path - will you lead in the light or follow blindly in the dark?

YUP!

I know . . . slacking . . . hopefully soon.

Too many things pulling me in many directions at this time of the year. I dislike it.

Bah hum bug!

Meet you back here soon!

Next project: Learning to be alone with myself

I know - You think it sounds weird but try it . . .

We are never alone even when we are alone. Electronics keep us in touch and frantic. Noise, constant noise. Cell phones, radio, TV's, kids, people, cars, on and on. We don't even realize sometimes. We fill our lives with busy-ness . . . kids activities, our activities, the gym, running, friends, family, emails, texts, phone calls, then life stuff - the "have-to's", cleaning, shopping, cooking, working.


Turn it all off and see what happens. The silence is disarming. Try it one day when your family leaves the house . . . turn off the tv, radio, cell phone . . . sit still for 2 minutes. Let me know how that goes for you.

I know how it goes for me . . . the first ten to twenty seconds are so peaceful! Ahhhhhhhh. And then WHAM!! the brain and a constant stream of thoughts take the place of all the other noises I just got rid of. Stop it! I yell at them. They talk back. This isn't useful, I think, but it is, really truly. It is just learning how to let them go. I'm working on it.

The sitting silently (meditation) is only one small part of my project. It is an ongoing one. But I think it goes hand in hand with learning to be alone with myself and exactly what I mean by that.


Actually I need to revise my project already . . . Learning to be alone with myself and LIKE it!


My husband went out of town today for 3 weeks. As the day progresses, I haven't heard from very many people and I start to feel weird. The weirdness turns into slight panic and anxiety. That feeling drives me to immediately want to call, email or text someone, have some sort of contact or even turn to tv or computer for mind-numbing. It's as if I'm not comfortable with myself - I need to go find someone else to talk to, someone to distract me from this "aloneness" . . .


Why? I ask myself. Ahhh . . . The ultimate question, my soul answers back with a winky face, the answer to that question you have to figure out on your own. And that's when I realize that there is another fairly big step to take in my journey . . . being alone with me. And liking it.


What I mean is relying on myself for everything: entertainment, conversation, love, understanding, happiness, etc. Everything I get from other people - I want to learn to get it from myself.


So the first thing I am doing is feeling the feelings. Then I'll work with them. I'll figure it out. It's been a good journey so far and I have figured stuff out on my own and it makes me feel proud. This will be one more step.  

Snowflakes

As I sit here trying to force out a blog post, I look out the window and see that light snow flakes are falling. How pretty and peaceful. I think I need to watch them for a bit because earlier this morning, I saw the beginning of what looked like a gorgeous sunrise and ignored it. Why did I ignore it? I was trying to force myself to write. So I think I’ll try to not miss the first snow I have seen this season. Take some time and enjoy it.



The snowflakes are the tiny ones but lots of them. They are falling without purpose, the ones that don’t seem to be heading in a specific direction. Some float around, others move quickly to the ground, some seem to be headed sideways. A little bit like life. You move at different speeds and directions at different times of your life in all aspects – physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.


The past couple weeks I’ve been dealing with some stuff. It’s that stuff which I’ve been trying to do a post on. But it just won’t come out right. I was trying to push it out this morning because I had quiet alone time and thought it would be perfect! Nope. I just couldn’t write. Physically I could write but mentally it wasn’t working. Nothing sounded right. The universe was trying to teach me a lesson:

You cannot force things to happen in life. It does not matter what it is. Everything will happen as it is supposed to.


For the past two weeks I have tried to force things in my life.


I tried to “schedule” my time. Actually list my to-do’s and put times for each thing. It backfired pretty good. I learned that I can’t schedule my stuff that explicitly. Pick the most important ones, get them done and the rest fits in between. Balance.


I tried to “do it all” now. I thought about all the “wants” in my life. I have so many new things I want to experience. The list is pretty big. I want to do it ALL and NOW. I thought I was going to. I listed everything and made plans in my head about how I would go about it. I was excited. Then reality hit – you cannot do everything all at once! Slow down. Baby steps. Balance.


I got mad at my life. I turned into the victim. Woe is me, I have to do everything, nobody helps me, why do I have to work, there’s never enough time, and the world is against me. Waaa, waaa, waaaa. This led to sadness. This led to de-motivation. This led to sitting around doing nothing, moping, mad at the world and myself. Then things fell apart even more as nothing got crossed off my to-do list and I didn’t even do the things I wanted and then the guilt set in. This led to feeling overwhelmed and stressed.


Then I had a moment of clarity. I LOVE those!


I realized I had just pressured myself right into a bad place and needed to find my way back. This meant finding my BALANCE. How to do this? It starts with taking time for ME. Not doing anything – possibly even my “wants” since sometimes those are pressure – my blog for instance. Take the pressure off. Escape into my space. Turn on music really loudly and blocking out the world. Sing loudly and dance. Do whatever works for you. Have fun. Rest. Turn off the brain. Find your balance.


It might take 5 minutes, an hour, a day, a week, a month, a year. Who knows? Just find it.


Take time for yourself, completely for yourself. With you happy and at peace the rest falls into place. You somehow gain the energy and drive to find the time to fit all the other things in. Even when it doesn’t all fit in, you smile and feel good because you know you did the best you could and you’ll find the time for the rest eventually. Balance.


Without balance we fall over – physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

ONE MONTH!!

I just realized that is ONE MONTH since I went cold turkey on my self help materials. I did it!
My 30 days is up! I can start reading again. But . . . here's the thing - I don't want to   :-)

The amount of progress I have made this past month is phenomenal and I don't want that to end.

I'm pretty sure that all the self help reading was keeping me from seeking within my own person to find the appropriate answers. It was keeping me from my own personal and spiritual growth. I do believe that some reading (research) is necessary to help with a subject or situation you may be unfamiliar with but reading continuously about the same subject over and over and over is NOT valuable research.

So here we are 30 days later and the question is What Has Changed? There are a few things which have changed in my life. And all POSITIVE!! As opposed to the negative that I was expecting ;-)


My ability to manage my thoughts has increased. I am more able to contemplate the circumstances, ask myself questions that lead me to the true thoughts and/or answers underneath. I now ACT on my thoughts instead of reacting.


My confidence has increased. Now I find that I can actually speak my opinions out loud to other people more often. I am not as nervous while speaking. My heart races for only a few seconds as opposed to a few minutes. I have less fear.


Time! I have more time for things I want to do because I'm not obsessing over useless things. I have time to read for enjoyment! I have time to read to learn new things! I have time to do hobbies, sports, enjoy my family, explore new things, including myself and what I want from this life.

Happiness and Joy! For lack of better words. I am not dwelling on problems as much and not as irritable. I deal with the issue and move on and therefore no baggage left weighing my heart down. I can find the joys in life more easily. I don't feel constant pressure to solve all of life's problems. I feel like I understand that circumstances will come up and that I will be able to handle them when they do. I feel optimistic.


Please don't get me wrong!! I have not changed that completely, that easily, that quickly! That's just crazy talk!! I still think, obsess and analyze my "problems". Only now I believe it is to a lesser degree and a more positive type of thinking that results in answers and I feel certain in my ability to cope with it all. And maybe that is the key! Coping. The other day a friend emailed me a quote:

" . . . the only normal people are the people you don't know that well."

She said to me, " . . . confirms that most people are living with all the craziness, so stop worrying so much about it . . .".

And she's right.



And of course, today there is a quote on Facebook that sums it up for me and the fact that I thought I was alone because I cannot see everyone else's craziness, just like I suppose nobody saw mine either ;-) :

"The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel." ~Steve Furtick

Every day I learn to cope a little more which lessens my worry. The funny thing I was thinking about after reading the above was that there are really people out there that do not worry about things the way I do. Who do not analyze every moment of every day of their life. People who just live, who do not wonder if what they are doing is "right" or "wrong". People who know that there isn't a right or wrong only a "what's best at that moment".

I wonder if I can ever be one of them . . . if I will ever stop obsessing . . .

but even more intriguing to me . . .

I wonder when I started doing it???

Spellbound

This morning I saw this quotation on Facebook. What a nice surprise! Very fitting because it was exactly what I had planned on doing today - telling you all about a joyous positive thing that happened to me! Again!

I finished a book!!

A real novel book! And I liked it! And it took me about 2 weeks, not 2 years!


Another first in a long time ;-)

Let me start with the fact that I bought this book 2 - 3 months ago based on one sentence mentioned in an awesome blog I read. I had no idea what it was about. She said it was good. I bought it. Never looked at it again. Then a couple weeks ago, after giving up my self help books, I needed to read something. I thought I'd try this one.

The book is called The Thirteenth Tale by Diane Setterfield. 

I was hooked by this book from the very beginning. I would read it at every opportunity. I would read it in bed, past my bedtime, eyes stinging, until I fell asleep with it in my hands.

From the beginning, I was drawn to the narrator's love of books and reading. The way she spoke about it resonated with me. I was excited to hear what she would say next. One of the first lines that got me was:

“For I was spellbound. There is something about words. In expert hands, manipulated deftly, they take you prisoner. Wind themselves around your limbs like spider silk, and when you are so entralled you cannot move, they pierce your skin, enter your blood, numb your thoughts. Inside they work their magic.”


And then: “For me, to see is to read. It has always been that way.”

That is me – 100%.

The thing I love about books is the fact that everyone can read the same book and come away with a totally different experience from it. Where you are in your life at the time can change what you interpret from the book. This is one major reason why I disagree with people dissecting books, trying to ascertain what the author meant and telling you that is the only version. Firstly, no one “knows” exactly why the author wrote the book and secondly, it is not about that, it is what the reader takes away from it that matters. Like a piece of visual art or music. It is all art and up for personal interpretation.

The Thirtheenth Tale is a suspense story about authors, families and the “ghosts” in their closet. The amazing thing for me is that I got so much more out of this book than the story written on its pages. Not all books can do that to you. Some truly are just the story you read with nothing behind it. To me a great book "works their magic" inside you. This one did that to me. A part of the story is about two sets of twins. What I connected with was the way the author described the feelings and thoughts of the twins but instead of connecting with my own physical twin, I was connecting with my inner self! I connected to the things the characters said but in a totally different context! It hit me as I though I had said or thought these same things over the years. About myself and others, the different thoughts and/or feelings I have had. All about the completely different circumstances in my own personal life.


Oh the multiple light bulb moments that went off all through this story. I can’t even explain! I have multiple highlighted sections all through this book and my next project is to expand on them all in written form. I feel like I have so much to say! Yet right now, right here, if I started to do that, you would have no frame of reference in which to build on, so a lot of it may not make sense. In fact, what I wish to accomplish with "writing" about this is not to rehash or review the book but to clarify the highlighted parts in my own way, what they meant to me and what feelings and opinions they evoked in me.


So this means, I must leave it for another time. Maybe I can share it, after I have been able to put it into words that will make sense to everyone. A brand new writing project for me. So exciting!

If only I can stop reading long enough to write . . . . . 

The sky is falling! The sky is falling!

Oh wait, no it isn't. I just thought it would. I thought that once I told the truth about my thoughts and feelings, out loud, to real people . . . that the world would cave in on me.

It didn't.

I wasn't even as nervous as I used to get before. I hestitated and then just said "screw it" and said what I wanted to say. Almost immediately I felt more comfortable and my heart stopped racing. I even stopped myself from rambling too much. The response was positive and contemplative of what I had said, not criticizing, not negative, not "omg you're an idiot!".

It was at most, a 10 minute conversation, after which we went on with our normal stuff. Nice.

Then there was another incident. I had something on my mind. I wanted things to go one way but knew someone else wanted it to go the opposite. I knew that the old me would easily do it the way she used to, do it the way the other person wanted. But in the end, I knew that if I did that I would be going backwards instead of forwards. I also knew that it would hurt me deep down in the end and I vowed I would stop doing that to myself. So I resolved to keep true to myself. But I knew I needed to explain myself. But I couldn't find words that felt right. I wrote out my thoughts to try and make it come together. I thought I would just have to send an email to try to explain even though that didn't feel right either. Then all of a sudden, the right moment presented itself, and I just started talking. I said what I needed to say, then shut up. The response: positive and understanding.

I am feeling very blessed.

I look forward to the next time I can work through an issue myself and follow through with the person/people involved. This kind of "self-help" stuff is great! ;-) I have made more progress in the past 3 weeks on my own than years of supposed self-help books and other shit!

 

Speak the Truth

So I got really nervous a couple days ago. I didn't know why at first, I just know that I panicked. So what did I do? What was my very first impulse?

I Googled what I was thinking about 

While reading a few articles, I told myself I wasn't breaking my "no self help" rule. Why did I tell myself that?? I really truly was breaking it. I justified it to myself at some point. I told myself I wasn't doing self-help, I was just reading about the subject, not looking for answers.

LIE!! omg, took me about 20 minutes of reading articles to realize that my brain lied to me ;-) lol


So I stopped, immediately. And I started writing instead. I started to write what I was thinking, which turned into writing what I was feeling . . . except I have a REALLY HARD TIME "FEELING". I'm never sure how to get inside of my feelings. So I started with asking myself a very brief question on one line, answering it on the next. I did that for about 6 questions in succession - one question and answer leading me to the next. This brought me out to an ANSWER!! I couldn't believe it worked! Wow, small breakthrough. One small step for the brain, one giant leap for the soul!

Now . . . next step - ACT on that answer! I'll let you know how that turns out for me, yikes!
Acting on my thoughts and feelings is a big issue for me. Why? The answer is one word.

FEAR

It seems crazy that after all these years, I am still scared some times to act on my thoughts and feelings. But it is. I gather from all the "self help" stuff available it is hard for A LOT of people. I have improved some what over the years. But the things I have a really hard time acting on are the ones very deep inside me, the very personal ones. These I don't let out to anyone, at any cost. And these are the very things that need to be let out and acted on. These are the things that will help me grow stronger. These are the things that will help me get closer to my personal goals. These are the things that will open me up to living life to the fullest. This is what I want. The only way to achieve this: Get over the fear and act. Speak up.

Each day I must be true to myself and take baby steps to overcoming my fear. Embrace the fear and move forward.

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face... The danger lies in refusing to face the fear, in not daring to come to grips with it... You must make yourself succeed every time. You must do the thing you think you cannot do." - Eleanor Roosevelt

And the challenge begins!

Mood is low, fighting the urge to self-medicate with "self help" stuff lol.

Check in - Sunday afternoon I walked the dog to the library to return my 3 books. Unread.

That hurt. A lot. As I stood in my doorway, with one book in hand, I contemplated keeping it. Just that one and read it that night and start my 30 days on Monday. It was a book called - The Power of Intention. It was Perfect! Since I had resolved to live "intentionally" how could I not read this book explaining how to live intentionally !!?? I actually had an argument with myself about it. In the end, I put it in the bag with the other two and headed out the door.

It is a 10 minute walk to the library. Within 3-4 minutes of leaving my house, my heart started to beat faster. My brain was saying, "But WAIT you need those books! Are you sure this is a good idea? You just got them. You haven't finished yet. Turn around, go home. They are going to help you fix your life, help you find what you're missing, find your perfect fit with the world. This isn't right . . ." etc, etc.


I need to make names for the different sides of me talking . . . Right now I'm going to call the other side my "soul". The soul knows deep down what is good for you. It is your brain that tries to over-rule it. I am trying to live life listening to my soul.


So any way, my soul was telling me to keep going. It was telling me - "No, you don't need the books. You are strong, you know exactly what you are doing. Just listen to your gut, your soul. You will be ahead in the long run."


This is how I felt on the 10 minute walk to the library. When I got there, I quickly shoved the books in the drop box, afraid I'd change my mind. Once home I buried myself into other activities to keep my mind off this whole thing.

I know that the first few days are pretty "easy". You can stop anything for a couple days. It's the long term that's going to get me. The little sneaky things . . . the before bed reading . . . the articles that pop up in my email because I'm subscribed to a website that sends it out automatically . . . the "spiritual" blog updates that I get (but that's not really self help is it ;-) ) . . . the "need" to read about a problem I think I'm having in order to "fix it" (avoidance) instead of meeting it head on and dealing with it. So many ways.

So right now, I am a full 4 days into my 30 day self help elimination. I am fighting some urges but so far so good. There is a saying that without changes and challenges and pain there is no personal growth. And growth is necessary in life. :-)

Hi, my name is Michele and I am an addict.

I am going to admit something that makes me a little uncomfortable.

I am addicted to everything "self help". Books and internet articles and wesbites mainly. I knew I liked to read them but in the last few days I realize I have a very big problem with them. 

I am addicted to them. In fact, today when I thought about giving them up, I got nervous. Really nervous, panicky but I am going to do it. I have decided that as of today, I am eliminating them for 30 days. Yup, doing it. It is going to be difficult and makes me anxious.  Especially right now. I have a lot going on in my life. But I have come to the biggest conclusion in a long time:  life needs to be lived not just thought about.

I read self help books and articles endlessly looking for that "one thing" that is going to make my life "perfect". I keep searching. I  know it's out there. This compulsion is so bad that I just figured out that when I think I've found that "one thing", that "aha moment", I just go find ANOTHER self help book on THAT subject!! Then the next one! and the next one. . . . it's endless and honestly, unhealthy.

As I cleaned up my bedside area and rearranged things yesterday, I found 12, yes 12!, self help type  books that I put back beside my bed as if I was reading them all. Who does this?? I also had 4 regular novels . . . but whatever ;-)  And 3 self help books from the library in my bag!

Sooo I have decided that I need an intervention. I need to remove self help stuff from my life. Why? Because it is stopping me from living my life. Spending hours reading about it and not putting any of it into action is useless. Only by putting in the EFFORT and taking ACTION, will I potentially find what I am looking for. I can have all the knowledge and theory in the world - if I do not actually USE the information, it cannot help me.

Life is about putting steps into place to move you forward. Each step builds upon the last. If you keep taking the same step over and over again you STAY in the same place. No change takes place. Everything in your life remains the same. If you want changes in your life, it is up to you to make those changes by taking action.

"Never let fear decide your fate."  Awolnation

So if anyone out there has a habit they'd like to break or a change they'd like to make, join me. They say it only takes 30 days to create a new habit. So let's do it! Take Action! Live your life! :-)

I'm Baaack!!

Almost 6 months to the day since my last post. Life is constantly changing and flowing like paddling down a river. Sometimes it is slow and almost calm. Other times raging fast and rough. And you never know what's coming up ahead but you know whatever it is you will have to meet it head on and you will survive. So I am now content to take each day head on, not like a salmon fighting to swim against it, but like a duck, letting it flow off my back.

Happiness and positivity is my focus for my life. Live each day happily. In other words, be positive not negative, optimistic not pessimistic. All else will fall into place.
A friend summed it up beautifully and I am posting notes with this on it all over my spaces - house, work, vehicle.

Live every moment!

Laugh every day!

Love beyond words!

I refuse to live for another 40, 50, 60 years without living like that.

Over and out!

Sometimes Life Sucks

Yep, that's true.

Just when you think you've started doing things right, getting your shit together, exercising and eating better, you're thinking positively  . . . something comes along and knocks you down. Sometimes it's just a little nudge and other times it's like a huge horse came along and kicked you right in the head. You think you'll never get up. But don't give up! You'll be ok. Fight through whatever it is. Know that you have the power to push through. We are all strong.

Things like the excessive heat and humidity can take their toll too. We've had quite a few very hot runs lately. We've done well. Remembered our water. Cut our pace down a bit. Cut our distance on Sunday even. It was just too hot. A couple of tips for summer exercising: drink some extra water the day before and then hydrate again after you work out. During your workout don't drink too much that you end up with cramps. On the hot runs, I usually pour most of my water over my head and down my back/chest to cool myself off. Drink little mouthfuls only.

Kids are another stress factor during the summer. Out of school and back at home all day. You've got to find things for them to do, keep them active and cool at the same time. Playdates with other parents & kids is probably a good idea - a picnic in the park, a trip to a park with a river to play at the edge, throw rocks, find minnows and crayfish. Occasionally you need a complete break. Switch off with another parent - they take your kids one time, then you take theirs another day.  Or a "movie afternoon". Set the kids up with a movie and popcorn and a drink. Hey you could even have them make pretend tickets and money like a real theatre. I admire you mothers/parents who stay home all day with your kids! I'm not sure I could do it lol. Sometimes when I come home to mine the irritation starts immediately . . . maybe it's because they are teenagers and "should" be able to take care of themselves!

Eating, I find, is hard sometimes. You just run out of ideas! Or it's hot and you don't want to cook. Or you don't have the groceries in the house. Ugh! I do this all the time. It's actually easier to have the groceries and make up containers of already cut veggies and fruit to snack on. Yesterday I had company for lunch and it was so hot. I had no idea what we were going to have. I ended up grabbing a tray of veggies and some chicken breasts. BBQ'd the breasts with salt & pepper, garlic powder, oregano and a little bit of olive oil. Made a garden salad and potato salad. That was lunch. Even my kids raved.

MY kids are 19 & 16 yrs old and they are 100% capable of looking after themselves. But they don't!  I come home and they ask what's to eat, I'm starving, didn't eat today, nothing in the house, etc, etc. I tell them all the options they had all day and they look at me like I'm crazy . . . it's sooo much woorrkkk mom! Or oh wow, I didn't even think about that, I don't think about putting things together like that . . . blah blah blah.

It goes like this - open the fridge, take a look at all the food you have and just start putting things that you feel like eating on a plate. Then eat it! It doesn't have to be your standard "meals" or sandwiches or other stuff you buy from restaurants. It is supposed to be food. And that's what's in your house. Drop it on a plate, in a bowl, sautee it up in a pan and start eating! The worst thing that happens is you hate it and don't put that combination together or you LOVE it and make it again. I have a co-worker who "lovingly" calls my throw-together lunches "slop". lol.

This was such an all-over-the-place post but I'm at work and just felt the urge to post. I think that is what happened to me this year. All my emails from the past year were mostly composed at work and now that business is improving and we've picked up here, I'm not able to put so much time into it.  :-(  Too bad because I think we're all missing out! I know I miss it. But I'll try.

Have a good rest of your day everyone. I should really get back to work. Everyone is all over the place in the summer and I am out of town for my annual men's baseball tournament from Thursday to Sunday night. "My boys" weekend. Heeheee - I'm excited!   So enjoy your week and weekend and maybe I'll be back to post next week!

P.S. It's IRONMAN WEEKEND - GOOD LUCK CATHY!!!  You'll do AMAZING!