Monday, December 17, 2012

YUP!

I know . . . slacking . . . hopefully soon.

Too many things pulling me in many directions at this time of the year. I dislike it.

Bah hum bug!

Meet you back here soon!

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Next project: Learning to be alone with myself

I know - You think it sounds weird but try it . . .

We are never alone even when we are alone. Electronics keep us in touch and frantic. Noise, constant noise. Cell phones, radio, TV's, kids, people, cars, on and on. We don't even realize sometimes. We fill our lives with busy-ness . . . kids activities, our activities, the gym, running, friends, family, emails, texts, phone calls, then life stuff - the "have-to's", cleaning, shopping, cooking, working.


Turn it all off and see what happens. The silence is disarming. Try it one day when your family leaves the house . . . turn off the tv, radio, cell phone . . . sit still for 2 minutes. Let me know how that goes for you.

I know how it goes for me . . . the first ten to twenty seconds are so peaceful! Ahhhhhhhh. And then WHAM!! the brain and a constant stream of thoughts take the place of all the other noises I just got rid of. Stop it! I yell at them. They talk back. This isn't useful, I think, but it is, really truly. It is just learning how to let them go. I'm working on it.

The sitting silently (meditation) is only one small part of my project. It is an ongoing one. But I think it goes hand in hand with learning to be alone with myself and exactly what I mean by that.


Actually I need to revise my project already . . . Learning to be alone with myself and LIKE it!


My husband went out of town today for 3 weeks. As the day progresses, I haven't heard from very many people and I start to feel weird. The weirdness turns into slight panic and anxiety. That feeling drives me to immediately want to call, email or text someone, have some sort of contact or even turn to tv or computer for mind-numbing. It's as if I'm not comfortable with myself - I need to go find someone else to talk to, someone to distract me from this "aloneness" . . .


Why? I ask myself. Ahhh . . . The ultimate question, my soul answers back with a winky face, the answer to that question you have to figure out on your own. And that's when I realize that there is another fairly big step to take in my journey . . . being alone with me. And liking it.


What I mean is relying on myself for everything: entertainment, conversation, love, understanding, happiness, etc. Everything I get from other people - I want to learn to get it from myself.


So the first thing I am doing is feeling the feelings. Then I'll work with them. I'll figure it out. It's been a good journey so far and I have figured stuff out on my own and it makes me feel proud. This will be one more step.  

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Snowflakes

As I sit here trying to force out a blog post, I look out the window and see that light snow flakes are falling. How pretty and peaceful. I think I need to watch them for a bit because earlier this morning, I saw the beginning of what looked like a gorgeous sunrise and ignored it. Why did I ignore it? I was trying to force myself to write. So I think I’ll try to not miss the first snow I have seen this season. Take some time and enjoy it.



The snowflakes are the tiny ones but lots of them. They are falling without purpose, the ones that don’t seem to be heading in a specific direction. Some float around, others move quickly to the ground, some seem to be headed sideways. A little bit like life. You move at different speeds and directions at different times of your life in all aspects – physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.


The past couple weeks I’ve been dealing with some stuff. It’s that stuff which I’ve been trying to do a post on. But it just won’t come out right. I was trying to push it out this morning because I had quiet alone time and thought it would be perfect! Nope. I just couldn’t write. Physically I could write but mentally it wasn’t working. Nothing sounded right. The universe was trying to teach me a lesson:

You cannot force things to happen in life. It does not matter what it is. Everything will happen as it is supposed to.


For the past two weeks I have tried to force things in my life.


I tried to “schedule” my time. Actually list my to-do’s and put times for each thing. It backfired pretty good. I learned that I can’t schedule my stuff that explicitly. Pick the most important ones, get them done and the rest fits in between. Balance.


I tried to “do it all” now. I thought about all the “wants” in my life. I have so many new things I want to experience. The list is pretty big. I want to do it ALL and NOW. I thought I was going to. I listed everything and made plans in my head about how I would go about it. I was excited. Then reality hit – you cannot do everything all at once! Slow down. Baby steps. Balance.


I got mad at my life. I turned into the victim. Woe is me, I have to do everything, nobody helps me, why do I have to work, there’s never enough time, and the world is against me. Waaa, waaa, waaaa. This led to sadness. This led to de-motivation. This led to sitting around doing nothing, moping, mad at the world and myself. Then things fell apart even more as nothing got crossed off my to-do list and I didn’t even do the things I wanted and then the guilt set in. This led to feeling overwhelmed and stressed.


Then I had a moment of clarity. I LOVE those!


I realized I had just pressured myself right into a bad place and needed to find my way back. This meant finding my BALANCE. How to do this? It starts with taking time for ME. Not doing anything – possibly even my “wants” since sometimes those are pressure – my blog for instance. Take the pressure off. Escape into my space. Turn on music really loudly and blocking out the world. Sing loudly and dance. Do whatever works for you. Have fun. Rest. Turn off the brain. Find your balance.


It might take 5 minutes, an hour, a day, a week, a month, a year. Who knows? Just find it.


Take time for yourself, completely for yourself. With you happy and at peace the rest falls into place. You somehow gain the energy and drive to find the time to fit all the other things in. Even when it doesn’t all fit in, you smile and feel good because you know you did the best you could and you’ll find the time for the rest eventually. Balance.


Without balance we fall over – physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.





Tuesday, November 13, 2012

ONE MONTH!!

I just realized that is ONE MONTH since I went cold turkey on my self help materials. I did it!
My 30 days is up! I can start reading again. But . . . here's the thing - I don't want to   :-)

The amount of progress I have made this past month is phenomenal and I don't want that to end.

I'm pretty sure that all the self help reading was keeping me from seeking within my own person to find the appropriate answers. It was keeping me from my own personal and spiritual growth. I do believe that some reading (research) is necessary to help with a subject or situation you may be unfamiliar with but reading continuously about the same subject over and over and over is NOT valuable research.

So here we are 30 days later and the question is What Has Changed? There are a few things which have changed in my life. And all POSITIVE!! As opposed to the negative that I was expecting ;-)


My ability to manage my thoughts has increased. I am more able to contemplate the circumstances, ask myself questions that lead me to the true thoughts and/or answers underneath. I now ACT on my thoughts instead of reacting.


My confidence has increased. Now I find that I can actually speak my opinions out loud to other people more often. I am not as nervous while speaking. My heart races for only a few seconds as opposed to a few minutes. I have less fear.


Time! I have more time for things I want to do because I'm not obsessing over useless things. I have time to read for enjoyment! I have time to read to learn new things! I have time to do hobbies, sports, enjoy my family, explore new things, including myself and what I want from this life.

Happiness and Joy! For lack of better words. I am not dwelling on problems as much and not as irritable. I deal with the issue and move on and therefore no baggage left weighing my heart down. I can find the joys in life more easily. I don't feel constant pressure to solve all of life's problems. I feel like I understand that circumstances will come up and that I will be able to handle them when they do. I feel optimistic.


Please don't get me wrong!! I have not changed that completely, that easily, that quickly! That's just crazy talk!! I still think, obsess and analyze my "problems". Only now I believe it is to a lesser degree and a more positive type of thinking that results in answers and I feel certain in my ability to cope with it all. And maybe that is the key! Coping. The other day a friend emailed me a quote:


" . . . the only normal people are the people you don't know that well."

She said to me, " . . . confirms that most people are living with all the craziness, so stop worrying so much about it . . .".

And she's right.



And of course, today there is a quote on Facebook that sums it up for me and the fact that I thought I was alone because I cannot see everyone else's craziness, just like I suppose nobody saw mine either ;-) :

"The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel." ~Steve Furtick

Every day I learn to cope a little more which lessens my worry. The funny thing I was thinking about after reading the above was that there are really people out there that do not worry about things the way I do. Who do not analyze every moment of every day of their life. People who just live, who do not wonder if what they are doing is "right" or "wrong". People who know that there isn't a right or wrong only a "what's best at that moment".


I wonder if I can ever be one of them . . . if I will ever stop obsessing . . .
but even more intriguing to me . . .

I wonder when I started doing it???

Friday, November 2, 2012

Spellbound

This morning I saw this quotation on Facebook. What a nice surprise! Very fitting because it was exactly what I had planned on doing today - telling you all about a joyous positive thing that happened to me! Again!





I finished a book!!



A real novel book! And I liked it! And it took me about 2 weeks, not 2 years!


Another first in a long time ;-)

Let me start with the fact that I bought this book 2 - 3 months ago based on one sentence mentioned in an awesome blog I read. I had no idea what it was about. She said it was good. I bought it. Never looked at it again. Then a couple weeks ago, after giving up my self help books, I needed to read something. I thought I'd try this one.

The book is called The Thirteenth Tale by Diane Setterfield. 

I was hooked by this book from the very beginning. I would read it at every opportunity. I would read it in bed, past my bedtime, eyes stinging, until I fell asleep with it in my hands.

From the beginning, I was drawn to the narrator's love of books and reading. The way she spoke about it resonated with me. I was excited to hear what she would say next. One of the first lines that got me was:

“For I was spellbound. There is something about words. In expert hands, manipulated deftly, they take you prisoner. Wind themselves around your limbs like spider silk, and when you are so entralled you cannot move, they pierce your skin, enter your blood, numb your thoughts. Inside they work their magic.”


And then: “For me, to see is to read. It has always been that way.”

That is me – 100%.

The thing I love about books is the fact that everyone can read the same book and come away with a totally different experience from it. Where you are in your life at the time can change what you interpret from the book. This is one major reason why I disagree with people dissecting books, trying to ascertain what the author meant and telling you that is the only version. Firstly, no one “knows” exactly why the author wrote the book and secondly, it is not about that, it is what the reader takes away from it that matters. Like a piece of visual art or music. It is all art and up for personal interpretation.

The Thirtheenth Tale is a suspense story about authors, families and the “ghosts” in their closet. The amazing thing for me is that I got so much more out of this book than the story written on its pages. Not all books can do that to you. Some truly are just the story you read with nothing behind it. To me a great book "works their magic" inside you. This one did that to me. A part of the story is about two sets of twins. What I connected with was the way the author described the feelings and thoughts of the twins but instead of connecting with my own physical twin, I was connecting with my inner self! I connected to the things the characters said but in a totally different context! It hit me as I though I had said or thought these same things over the years. About myself and others, the different thoughts and/or feelings I have had. All about the completely different circumstances in my own personal life.


Oh the multiple light bulb moments that went off all through this story. I can’t even explain! I have multiple highlighted sections all through this book and my next project is to expand on them all in written form. I feel like I have so much to say! Yet right now, right here, if I started to do that, you would have no frame of reference in which to build on, so a lot of it may not make sense. In fact, what I wish to accomplish with "writing" about this is not to rehash or review the book but to clarify the highlighted parts in my own way, what they meant to me and what feelings and opinions they evoked in me.


So this means, I must leave it for another time. Maybe I can share it, after I have been able to put it into words that will make sense to everyone. A brand new writing project for me. So exciting!

If only I can stop reading long enough to write . . . . . 







Monday, October 29, 2012

The sky is falling! The sky is falling!

Oh wait, no it isn't. I just thought it would. I thought that once I told the truth about my thoughts and feelings, out loud, to real people . . . that the world would cave in on me.

It didn't.

I wasn't even as nervous as I used to get before. I hestitated and then just said "screw it" and said what I wanted to say. Almost immediately I felt more comfortable and my heart stopped racing. I even stopped myself from rambling too much. The response was positive and contemplative of what I had said, not criticizing, not negative, not "omg you're an idiot!".

It was at most, a 10 minute conversation, after which we went on with our normal stuff. Nice.

Then there was another incident. I had something on my mind. I wanted things to go one way but knew someone else wanted it to go the opposite. I knew that the old me would easily do it the way she used to, do it the way the other person wanted. But in the end, I knew that if I did that I would be going backwards instead of forwards. I also knew that it would hurt me deep down in the end and I vowed I would stop doing that to myself. So I resolved to keep true to myself. But I knew I needed to explain myself. But I couldn't find words that felt right. I wrote out my thoughts to try and make it come together. I thought I would just have to send an email to try to explain even though that didn't feel right either. Then all of a sudden, the right moment presented itself, and I just started talking. I said what I needed to say, then shut up. The response: positive and understanding.

I am feeling very blessed.

I look forward to the next time I can work through an issue myself and follow through with the person/people involved. This kind of "self-help" stuff is great! ;-) I have made more progress in the past 3 weeks on my own than years of supposed self-help books and other shit!


 

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Speak the Truth

So I got really nervous a couple days ago. I didn't know why at first, I just know that I panicked. So what did I do? What was my very first impulse?

I Googled what I was thinking about 

While reading a few articles, I told myself I wasn't breaking my "no self help" rule. Why did I tell myself that?? I really truly was breaking it. I justified it to myself at some point. I told myself I wasn't doing self-help, I was just reading about the subject, not looking for answers.

LIE!! omg, took me about 20 minutes of reading articles to realize that my brain lied to me ;-) lol


So I stopped, immediately. And I started writing instead. I started to write what I was thinking, which turned into writing what I was feeling . . . except I have a REALLY HARD TIME "FEELING". I'm never sure how to get inside of my feelings. So I started with asking myself a very brief question on one line, answering it on the next. I did that for about 6 questions in succession - one question and answer leading me to the next. This brought me out to an ANSWER!! I couldn't believe it worked! Wow, small breakthrough. One small step for the brain, one giant leap for the soul!

Now . . . next step - ACT on that answer! I'll let you know how that turns out for me, yikes!
Acting on my thoughts and feelings is a big issue for me. Why? The answer is one word.

FEAR


It seems crazy that after all these years, I am still scared some times to act on my thoughts and feelings. But it is. I gather from all the "self help" stuff available it is hard for A LOT of people. I have improved some what over the years. But the things I have a really hard time acting on are the ones very deep inside me, the very personal ones. These I don't let out to anyone, at any cost. And these are the very things that need to be let out and acted on. These are the things that will help me grow stronger. These are the things that will help me get closer to my personal goals. These are the things that will open me up to living life to the fullest. This is what I want. The only way to achieve this: Get over the fear and act. Speak up.

Each day I must be true to myself and take baby steps to overcoming my fear. Embrace the fear and move forward.





"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face... The danger lies in refusing to face the fear, in not daring to come to grips with it... You must make yourself succeed every time. You must do the thing you think you cannot do." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Thursday, October 18, 2012

And the challenge begins!


Mood is low, fighting the urge to self-medicate with "self help" stuff lol.
Check in - Sunday afternoon I walked the dog to the library to return my 3 books. Unread.

That hurt. A lot. As I stood in my doorway, with one book in hand, I contemplated keeping it. Just that one and read it that night and start my 30 days on Monday. It was a book called - The Power of Intention. It was Perfect! Since I had resolved to live "intentionally" how could I not read this book explaining how to live intentionally !!?? I actually had an argument with myself about it. In the end, I put it in the bag with the other two and headed out the door.


It is a 10 minute walk to the library. Within 3-4 minutes of leaving my house, my heart started to beat faster. My brain was saying, "But WAIT you need those books! Are you sure this is a good idea? You just got them. You haven't finished yet. Turn around, go home. They are going to help you fix your life, help you find what you're missing, find your perfect fit with the world. This isn't right . . ." etc, etc.


I need to make names for the different sides of me talking . . . Right now I'm going to call the other side my "soul". The soul knows deep down what is good for you. It is your brain that tries to over-rule it. I am trying to live life listening to my soul.


So any way, my soul was telling me to keep going. It was telling me - "No, you don't need the books. You are strong, you know exactly what you are doing. Just listen to your gut, your soul. You will be ahead in the long run."


This is how I felt on the 10 minute walk to the library. When I got there, I quickly shoved the books in the drop box, afraid I'd change my mind. Once home I buried myself into other activities to keep my mind off this whole thing.


I know that the first few days are pretty "easy". You can stop anything for a couple days. It's the long term that's going to get me. The little sneaky things . . . the before bed reading . . . the articles that pop up in my email because I'm subscribed to a website that sends it out automatically . . . the "spiritual" blog updates that I get (but that's not really self help is it ;-) ) . . . the "need" to read about a problem I think I'm having in order to "fix it" (avoidance) instead of meeting it head on and dealing with it. So many ways.

So right now, I am a full 4 days into my 30 day self help elimination. I am fighting some urges but so far so good. There is a saying that without changes and challenges and pain there is no personal growth. And growth is necessary in life. :-)


Sunday, October 14, 2012

Hi, my name is Michele and I am an addict.

I am going to admit something that makes me a little uncomfortable.

I am addicted to everything "self help". Books and internet articles and wesbites mainly. I knew I liked to read them but in the last few days I realize I have a very big problem with them. 

I am addicted to them. In fact, today when I thought about giving them up, I got nervous. Really nervous, panicky but I am going to do it. I have decided that as of today, I am eliminating them for 30 days. Yup, doing it. It is going to be difficult and makes me anxious.  Especially right now. I have a lot going on in my life. But I have come to the biggest conclusion in a long time:  life needs to be lived not just thought about.

I read self help books and articles endlessly looking for that "one thing" that is going to make my life "perfect". I keep searching. I  know it's out there. This compulsion is so bad that I just figured out that when I think I've found that "one thing", that "aha moment", I just go find ANOTHER self help book on THAT subject!! Then the next one! and the next one. . . . it's endless and honestly, unhealthy.

As I cleaned up my bedside area and rearranged things yesterday, I found 12, yes 12!, self help type  books that I put back beside my bed as if I was reading them all. Who does this?? I also had 4 regular novels . . . but whatever ;-)  And 3 self help books from the library in my bag!

Sooo I have decided that I need an intervention. I need to remove self help stuff from my life. Why? Because it is stopping me from living my life. Spending hours reading about it and not putting any of it into action is useless. Only by putting in the EFFORT and taking ACTION, will I potentially find what I am looking for. I can have all the knowledge and theory in the world - if I do not actually USE the information, it cannot help me.

Life is about putting steps into place to move you forward. Each step builds upon the last. If you keep taking the same step over and over again you STAY in the same place. No change takes place. Everything in your life remains the same. If you want changes in your life, it is up to you to make those changes by taking action.

"Never let fear decide your fate."  Awolnation

So if anyone out there has a habit they'd like to break or a change they'd like to make, join me. They say it only takes 30 days to create a new habit. So let's do it! Take Action! Live your life! :-)







Saturday, January 7, 2012

I'm Baaack!!

Almost 6 months to the day since my last post. Life is constantly changing and flowing like paddling down a river. Sometimes it is slow and almost calm. Other times raging fast and rough. And you never know what's coming up ahead but you know whatever it is you will have to meet it head on and you will survive. So I am now content to take each day head on, not like a salmon fighting to swim against it, but like a duck, letting it flow off my back.

Happiness and positivity is my focus for my life. Live each day happily. In other words, be positive not negative, optimistic not pessimistic. All else will fall into place.
A friend summed it up beautifully and I am posting notes with this on it all over my spaces - house, work, vehicle.

Live every moment!
Laugh every day!
Love beyond words!

I refuse to live for another 40, 50, 60 years without living like that.

Over and out!