The sky is falling! The sky is falling!

Oh wait, no it isn't. I just thought it would. I thought that once I told the truth about my thoughts and feelings, out loud, to real people . . . that the world would cave in on me.

It didn't.

I wasn't even as nervous as I used to get before. I hestitated and then just said "screw it" and said what I wanted to say. Almost immediately I felt more comfortable and my heart stopped racing. I even stopped myself from rambling too much. The response was positive and contemplative of what I had said, not criticizing, not negative, not "omg you're an idiot!".

It was at most, a 10 minute conversation, after which we went on with our normal stuff. Nice.

Then there was another incident. I had something on my mind. I wanted things to go one way but knew someone else wanted it to go the opposite. I knew that the old me would easily do it the way she used to, do it the way the other person wanted. But in the end, I knew that if I did that I would be going backwards instead of forwards. I also knew that it would hurt me deep down in the end and I vowed I would stop doing that to myself. So I resolved to keep true to myself. But I knew I needed to explain myself. But I couldn't find words that felt right. I wrote out my thoughts to try and make it come together. I thought I would just have to send an email to try to explain even though that didn't feel right either. Then all of a sudden, the right moment presented itself, and I just started talking. I said what I needed to say, then shut up. The response: positive and understanding.

I am feeling very blessed.

I look forward to the next time I can work through an issue myself and follow through with the person/people involved. This kind of "self-help" stuff is great! ;-) I have made more progress in the past 3 weeks on my own than years of supposed self-help books and other shit!

 

Speak the Truth

So I got really nervous a couple days ago. I didn't know why at first, I just know that I panicked. So what did I do? What was my very first impulse?

I Googled what I was thinking about 

While reading a few articles, I told myself I wasn't breaking my "no self help" rule. Why did I tell myself that?? I really truly was breaking it. I justified it to myself at some point. I told myself I wasn't doing self-help, I was just reading about the subject, not looking for answers.

LIE!! omg, took me about 20 minutes of reading articles to realize that my brain lied to me ;-) lol


So I stopped, immediately. And I started writing instead. I started to write what I was thinking, which turned into writing what I was feeling . . . except I have a REALLY HARD TIME "FEELING". I'm never sure how to get inside of my feelings. So I started with asking myself a very brief question on one line, answering it on the next. I did that for about 6 questions in succession - one question and answer leading me to the next. This brought me out to an ANSWER!! I couldn't believe it worked! Wow, small breakthrough. One small step for the brain, one giant leap for the soul!

Now . . . next step - ACT on that answer! I'll let you know how that turns out for me, yikes!
Acting on my thoughts and feelings is a big issue for me. Why? The answer is one word.

FEAR

It seems crazy that after all these years, I am still scared some times to act on my thoughts and feelings. But it is. I gather from all the "self help" stuff available it is hard for A LOT of people. I have improved some what over the years. But the things I have a really hard time acting on are the ones very deep inside me, the very personal ones. These I don't let out to anyone, at any cost. And these are the very things that need to be let out and acted on. These are the things that will help me grow stronger. These are the things that will help me get closer to my personal goals. These are the things that will open me up to living life to the fullest. This is what I want. The only way to achieve this: Get over the fear and act. Speak up.

Each day I must be true to myself and take baby steps to overcoming my fear. Embrace the fear and move forward.

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face... The danger lies in refusing to face the fear, in not daring to come to grips with it... You must make yourself succeed every time. You must do the thing you think you cannot do." - Eleanor Roosevelt

And the challenge begins!

Mood is low, fighting the urge to self-medicate with "self help" stuff lol.

Check in - Sunday afternoon I walked the dog to the library to return my 3 books. Unread.

That hurt. A lot. As I stood in my doorway, with one book in hand, I contemplated keeping it. Just that one and read it that night and start my 30 days on Monday. It was a book called - The Power of Intention. It was Perfect! Since I had resolved to live "intentionally" how could I not read this book explaining how to live intentionally !!?? I actually had an argument with myself about it. In the end, I put it in the bag with the other two and headed out the door.

It is a 10 minute walk to the library. Within 3-4 minutes of leaving my house, my heart started to beat faster. My brain was saying, "But WAIT you need those books! Are you sure this is a good idea? You just got them. You haven't finished yet. Turn around, go home. They are going to help you fix your life, help you find what you're missing, find your perfect fit with the world. This isn't right . . ." etc, etc.


I need to make names for the different sides of me talking . . . Right now I'm going to call the other side my "soul". The soul knows deep down what is good for you. It is your brain that tries to over-rule it. I am trying to live life listening to my soul.


So any way, my soul was telling me to keep going. It was telling me - "No, you don't need the books. You are strong, you know exactly what you are doing. Just listen to your gut, your soul. You will be ahead in the long run."


This is how I felt on the 10 minute walk to the library. When I got there, I quickly shoved the books in the drop box, afraid I'd change my mind. Once home I buried myself into other activities to keep my mind off this whole thing.

I know that the first few days are pretty "easy". You can stop anything for a couple days. It's the long term that's going to get me. The little sneaky things . . . the before bed reading . . . the articles that pop up in my email because I'm subscribed to a website that sends it out automatically . . . the "spiritual" blog updates that I get (but that's not really self help is it ;-) ) . . . the "need" to read about a problem I think I'm having in order to "fix it" (avoidance) instead of meeting it head on and dealing with it. So many ways.

So right now, I am a full 4 days into my 30 day self help elimination. I am fighting some urges but so far so good. There is a saying that without changes and challenges and pain there is no personal growth. And growth is necessary in life. :-)

Hi, my name is Michele and I am an addict.

I am going to admit something that makes me a little uncomfortable.

I am addicted to everything "self help". Books and internet articles and wesbites mainly. I knew I liked to read them but in the last few days I realize I have a very big problem with them. 

I am addicted to them. In fact, today when I thought about giving them up, I got nervous. Really nervous, panicky but I am going to do it. I have decided that as of today, I am eliminating them for 30 days. Yup, doing it. It is going to be difficult and makes me anxious.  Especially right now. I have a lot going on in my life. But I have come to the biggest conclusion in a long time:  life needs to be lived not just thought about.

I read self help books and articles endlessly looking for that "one thing" that is going to make my life "perfect". I keep searching. I  know it's out there. This compulsion is so bad that I just figured out that when I think I've found that "one thing", that "aha moment", I just go find ANOTHER self help book on THAT subject!! Then the next one! and the next one. . . . it's endless and honestly, unhealthy.

As I cleaned up my bedside area and rearranged things yesterday, I found 12, yes 12!, self help type  books that I put back beside my bed as if I was reading them all. Who does this?? I also had 4 regular novels . . . but whatever ;-)  And 3 self help books from the library in my bag!

Sooo I have decided that I need an intervention. I need to remove self help stuff from my life. Why? Because it is stopping me from living my life. Spending hours reading about it and not putting any of it into action is useless. Only by putting in the EFFORT and taking ACTION, will I potentially find what I am looking for. I can have all the knowledge and theory in the world - if I do not actually USE the information, it cannot help me.

Life is about putting steps into place to move you forward. Each step builds upon the last. If you keep taking the same step over and over again you STAY in the same place. No change takes place. Everything in your life remains the same. If you want changes in your life, it is up to you to make those changes by taking action.

"Never let fear decide your fate."  Awolnation

So if anyone out there has a habit they'd like to break or a change they'd like to make, join me. They say it only takes 30 days to create a new habit. So let's do it! Take Action! Live your life! :-)