Passions

One of the factors contributing to my current state of mind is the additional time I have on my own. I no longer "look after" anyone and I don't know what to do with myself.

It is an ironic thing because for 20 years I have been raising my kids and wishing for the days I don't have to so I can do what I want. Now that that time is here, I have NO CLUE what I want to do. And I have known this for a few years but didn't believe it. People warned me this might happen. And last year people asked me if maybe that was the reason I was in limbo with work and my marriage - that maybe it was not having the responsibility of the kids. No, I said. No way. I've been waiting for this! And it's true. I was waiting. And now I still am because it is up to me to make the first step to find out what I WANT, what makes me happy.

I read an article today that it usually takes years for people to find their passion when starting from a blank slate. Well that's me! It doesn't come easily for some of us.

Without me realizing, it is passion that lead me to my post last week. This passion "they" speak of ... oozing it's way out of you, right under your nose, in hindsight. The reason I think this happens is because somehow we've been led to believe that our "passion" is some significant "event", a great career or some big creative specialty like art or music or a NYT bestselling author. When really our passion is just that - ours - the thing that makes our heart and soul sing out, that brings us joy, that brings a smile to our face, makes us laugh, gives us that little bit of energy to get through our day knowing that at the end of it, we might be able to fit in that 15 minutes of whatever it is that makes us happy.

And the passion does not have to be only one thing! Nor does it have to always be that thing. I think it would change. Morph into different channels - pathways you didn't even know existed. I think passion needs support and acceptance for it to poke its way out. I think it stays deep inside, scared to show itself because of fear of what others may think (and you know where I stand on that).

Let it out. Encourage it. Let it know that you will be there to accept it every time. How? By noticing it and smiling and enjoying every minute - even if the feeling only lasts for one minute. Your acknowledgement of it will help you feel it the next time, and the next time. And it will get easier.

I think (hope) that every time we spend 15 minutes doing something that brings us joy, it helps to release more knowledge to us about ourselves and our passions. That it lets us see and accept ourselves more and more.

And that every day, little by little, we grow into that and other passions and the benefits of those 15 minutes we get spreads through our entire day. Our 15 minutes of passion has transformed us from the inside out. It radiates from inside. That is my hope.

My intention from today onward: Just take notice of the things that bring me joy, put a smile on my face and energize me. Don't worry about figuring out what to do with those things - just enjoy them.

We are all different and our differences are what makes the world go round.

Once again I find myself in my own personal "no man's land".
This is the place where I am not doing what I want nor am I doing what I am responsible for (work and household repsonsibilities) and I am telling myself lies such as - I don't have time to do what I want because I'm doing all those other "responsible things". I'm calling "Bullshit!" on myself. Someone has to.

Yes I'm busy.

Yes I'm playing baseball.

Yes I'm working full time.

Yes I'm working on my marriage.

Yes I deserve down time.


We all have the above and more. That doesn't mean we stop and do nothing.


But what I realized is that whenever I think about the wants = writing, or running (yes I did enjoy it! and would like to again), or the things I "should" do = going to the gym to get back into shape,doing household chores or even going to the grocery store! I think about how "hard" it will be. I procrastinate and I start to make excuses ....

I can't "do" anything (important) with it (writing) so why bother.

I need to just sit and relax - it's the weekend.

I'm so tired after working all day.

I need to spend time with my husband.

It's too hot out.

I'll go later.

I've never had to diet in my life, it must be a phase, just wait it out.


And sometimes the "why me" stage starts to rear its head ... why do I have to work? Why do I have to do the groceries, clean the house, walk the dog? Why aren't I rich? Whine whine whine . . . etc etc. Does any of that help me?  No.


Why do I (we) do this?


I need to find my mojo again. I need to find the "thing" that drives me. 

And to be perfectly honest - I'm pretty sure that "thing" is PEOPLE. I am a more sociable creature than I originally thought. I need people around me - good times, bad times, laughs, tears, conversations and I need to feel that I am helping others. It doesn't have to be something super crazy important. In fact, I probably don't want that.


What I do want is to feel like I have said, done or written something that makes others feel the need to help themselves, that makes them angry, that makes them scared, that makes them happy, that gives them their own "aha moment", that helps them to think or motivate themselves to do what's important to them at this moment, or help them through a tough time or whatever.


That is why I write. That is why I run. That is why I listen. That is why I talk. That is why I am here in this life. My motivation for everything I do is people.


Is this bad? It can sound that way. In fact I have tried to steer away from this all my life because I thought maybe it was weak. That I was wrong by doing it. That it made me dependent on others. 


On one hand it seems as though I am dependent on others for my happiness. It seems as though I am doing things to please other people and not myself. But this is not true - In pleasing other people I am pleasing myself. In fact, it can be said that I am being selfish - I am doing what I want in order to please myself - it just so happens to please others as well. I feel like I have accomplished something. It is a feeling that I do not get from anything else. I am a people person.


There is nothing wrong with me. And there is nothing wrong with you. Find your "thing" and do it, regardless of what anyone else thinks - that includes that little voice in your head that says you are wrong. It may be your worst enemy.

That voice is wrong not you.