I wanted to apologize for my lack of contact.


I started an online course on January 9th. Yay me! Finally. I've been talking about it for years and finally took the plunge.

Well let me tell you - what an experience! A huge learning curve.


The amounts of reading and information that needs to be taken in is huge. I found out the hard way that my comprehension level after 8:30 p.m. is slim to none. So I changed my schedule to wake up an hour earlier and do reading and course work in the morning when my mind is sharp and clear.

There is also the fact that the college recommended 7 - 9 hours per week to be spent on course work is actually LOW for a newbie. Try doubling that for the first few weeks. First I needed to be able to FOCUS for long periods of time. What!?! We are a society of multitaskers and information overload. The first week I swore I had undiagnosed A.D.D. My attention span lasted about 3-4 sentences MAX on reading and retaining what I had read.

Then I needed to relearn how to read teacher-speak and read assignments. The key was to figure out how the teacher wanted  things done without actually telling you how to do it! We are so used to being told what to do in our jobs. We wait for instruction because it is usually coming at us constantly. A society of robots, doing as we are told, not thinking for ourselves.

Then there is the weekly assignments. I needed to figure out the proper wording, arrangement, style, etc. all on my own. This is an online course and almost all communication is done through message boards and email. There is no option to go in after school and ask for help! And the risk of MIScommunicating is high. It is very difficult to have a "discussion" on email.

Then comes fitting this in with all your regular responsibilities at home! I'm sure no explanation is required.
So in the end ... it has been 4 weeks and I'm feeling confident. I have a better handle on the whole thing, I have my timing organized, and I am sure that the course will go well now.

I have fought the fear. I have taken a leap. And I have landed on both feet.

Yay me!

You gain strength, experience, and confidence by every experience

where you really stop to look fear in the face . . . .

You must do the thing you cannot do.

Eleanor Roosevelt

Happy New Year!

And here we go again. The start of a new year . . .

Here's to hoping it's a better one. So far so good. Although as I write that I realize that it is not about "hoping" and letting life lead you. It's about taking the lead in your life. I believe life has a some what predetermined path of some kind but you don't blindly follow it.

You pick and choose the directions you are going. Many people believe that the choices are either right or wrong. White or black. However, I think it's not so much about right or wrong but what you experience and learn with each turn you take.

Making the "right" choice to bring you your every wish is not the key to life. All choices are "right" because they lead you along your path, your journey through life. It is our journey that is the key to life, not what we get in the end. Even if it seems like you took a step backwards or sideways. It could just be that you learned a route not to take or that you needed to take a break and stop to take a look around and reassess the situation. Or that you simply needed to rest. Every step on this journey is necessary. Only a moment in time in our life but each moment is meant to be experienced.

Life is full of these moments - sometimes the way is clear and sometimes it's like walking through a forest, at night, without moonlight to show you the way. While you are stumbling down the path, possibly full of roots and rocks, ocassionally bumping into trees, remember that eventually the morning comes and with it clarity and light.

It is that moment, when you stumble out into the bright sunshine, that you smile and say to yourself - "Aha, I see it now" that you realize you ARE on the right path. This path, full of twists and turns, and ups and downs, darkness and light, is right because it is YOUR path. You belong here and it is up to you to find your way . . . not by asking directions or following others . . . but by making your own choices, following your gut and going in the direction YOU want to take. Most importantly while on this path, do not forget to look around and experience every moment, pause sometimes to take a deep breath of fresh air, take in the scenery, and enjoy . . .

2013 - a new year - it is your path - will you lead in the light or follow blindly in the dark?

YUP!

I know . . . slacking . . . hopefully soon.

Too many things pulling me in many directions at this time of the year. I dislike it.

Bah hum bug!

Meet you back here soon!

Next project: Learning to be alone with myself

I know - You think it sounds weird but try it . . .

We are never alone even when we are alone. Electronics keep us in touch and frantic. Noise, constant noise. Cell phones, radio, TV's, kids, people, cars, on and on. We don't even realize sometimes. We fill our lives with busy-ness . . . kids activities, our activities, the gym, running, friends, family, emails, texts, phone calls, then life stuff - the "have-to's", cleaning, shopping, cooking, working.


Turn it all off and see what happens. The silence is disarming. Try it one day when your family leaves the house . . . turn off the tv, radio, cell phone . . . sit still for 2 minutes. Let me know how that goes for you.

I know how it goes for me . . . the first ten to twenty seconds are so peaceful! Ahhhhhhhh. And then WHAM!! the brain and a constant stream of thoughts take the place of all the other noises I just got rid of. Stop it! I yell at them. They talk back. This isn't useful, I think, but it is, really truly. It is just learning how to let them go. I'm working on it.

The sitting silently (meditation) is only one small part of my project. It is an ongoing one. But I think it goes hand in hand with learning to be alone with myself and exactly what I mean by that.


Actually I need to revise my project already . . . Learning to be alone with myself and LIKE it!


My husband went out of town today for 3 weeks. As the day progresses, I haven't heard from very many people and I start to feel weird. The weirdness turns into slight panic and anxiety. That feeling drives me to immediately want to call, email or text someone, have some sort of contact or even turn to tv or computer for mind-numbing. It's as if I'm not comfortable with myself - I need to go find someone else to talk to, someone to distract me from this "aloneness" . . .


Why? I ask myself. Ahhh . . . The ultimate question, my soul answers back with a winky face, the answer to that question you have to figure out on your own. And that's when I realize that there is another fairly big step to take in my journey . . . being alone with me. And liking it.


What I mean is relying on myself for everything: entertainment, conversation, love, understanding, happiness, etc. Everything I get from other people - I want to learn to get it from myself.


So the first thing I am doing is feeling the feelings. Then I'll work with them. I'll figure it out. It's been a good journey so far and I have figured stuff out on my own and it makes me feel proud. This will be one more step.  

Snowflakes

As I sit here trying to force out a blog post, I look out the window and see that light snow flakes are falling. How pretty and peaceful. I think I need to watch them for a bit because earlier this morning, I saw the beginning of what looked like a gorgeous sunrise and ignored it. Why did I ignore it? I was trying to force myself to write. So I think I’ll try to not miss the first snow I have seen this season. Take some time and enjoy it.



The snowflakes are the tiny ones but lots of them. They are falling without purpose, the ones that don’t seem to be heading in a specific direction. Some float around, others move quickly to the ground, some seem to be headed sideways. A little bit like life. You move at different speeds and directions at different times of your life in all aspects – physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.


The past couple weeks I’ve been dealing with some stuff. It’s that stuff which I’ve been trying to do a post on. But it just won’t come out right. I was trying to push it out this morning because I had quiet alone time and thought it would be perfect! Nope. I just couldn’t write. Physically I could write but mentally it wasn’t working. Nothing sounded right. The universe was trying to teach me a lesson:

You cannot force things to happen in life. It does not matter what it is. Everything will happen as it is supposed to.


For the past two weeks I have tried to force things in my life.


I tried to “schedule” my time. Actually list my to-do’s and put times for each thing. It backfired pretty good. I learned that I can’t schedule my stuff that explicitly. Pick the most important ones, get them done and the rest fits in between. Balance.


I tried to “do it all” now. I thought about all the “wants” in my life. I have so many new things I want to experience. The list is pretty big. I want to do it ALL and NOW. I thought I was going to. I listed everything and made plans in my head about how I would go about it. I was excited. Then reality hit – you cannot do everything all at once! Slow down. Baby steps. Balance.


I got mad at my life. I turned into the victim. Woe is me, I have to do everything, nobody helps me, why do I have to work, there’s never enough time, and the world is against me. Waaa, waaa, waaaa. This led to sadness. This led to de-motivation. This led to sitting around doing nothing, moping, mad at the world and myself. Then things fell apart even more as nothing got crossed off my to-do list and I didn’t even do the things I wanted and then the guilt set in. This led to feeling overwhelmed and stressed.


Then I had a moment of clarity. I LOVE those!


I realized I had just pressured myself right into a bad place and needed to find my way back. This meant finding my BALANCE. How to do this? It starts with taking time for ME. Not doing anything – possibly even my “wants” since sometimes those are pressure – my blog for instance. Take the pressure off. Escape into my space. Turn on music really loudly and blocking out the world. Sing loudly and dance. Do whatever works for you. Have fun. Rest. Turn off the brain. Find your balance.


It might take 5 minutes, an hour, a day, a week, a month, a year. Who knows? Just find it.


Take time for yourself, completely for yourself. With you happy and at peace the rest falls into place. You somehow gain the energy and drive to find the time to fit all the other things in. Even when it doesn’t all fit in, you smile and feel good because you know you did the best you could and you’ll find the time for the rest eventually. Balance.


Without balance we fall over – physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

ONE MONTH!!

I just realized that is ONE MONTH since I went cold turkey on my self help materials. I did it!
My 30 days is up! I can start reading again. But . . . here's the thing - I don't want to   :-)

The amount of progress I have made this past month is phenomenal and I don't want that to end.

I'm pretty sure that all the self help reading was keeping me from seeking within my own person to find the appropriate answers. It was keeping me from my own personal and spiritual growth. I do believe that some reading (research) is necessary to help with a subject or situation you may be unfamiliar with but reading continuously about the same subject over and over and over is NOT valuable research.

So here we are 30 days later and the question is What Has Changed? There are a few things which have changed in my life. And all POSITIVE!! As opposed to the negative that I was expecting ;-)


My ability to manage my thoughts has increased. I am more able to contemplate the circumstances, ask myself questions that lead me to the true thoughts and/or answers underneath. I now ACT on my thoughts instead of reacting.


My confidence has increased. Now I find that I can actually speak my opinions out loud to other people more often. I am not as nervous while speaking. My heart races for only a few seconds as opposed to a few minutes. I have less fear.


Time! I have more time for things I want to do because I'm not obsessing over useless things. I have time to read for enjoyment! I have time to read to learn new things! I have time to do hobbies, sports, enjoy my family, explore new things, including myself and what I want from this life.

Happiness and Joy! For lack of better words. I am not dwelling on problems as much and not as irritable. I deal with the issue and move on and therefore no baggage left weighing my heart down. I can find the joys in life more easily. I don't feel constant pressure to solve all of life's problems. I feel like I understand that circumstances will come up and that I will be able to handle them when they do. I feel optimistic.


Please don't get me wrong!! I have not changed that completely, that easily, that quickly! That's just crazy talk!! I still think, obsess and analyze my "problems". Only now I believe it is to a lesser degree and a more positive type of thinking that results in answers and I feel certain in my ability to cope with it all. And maybe that is the key! Coping. The other day a friend emailed me a quote:

" . . . the only normal people are the people you don't know that well."

She said to me, " . . . confirms that most people are living with all the craziness, so stop worrying so much about it . . .".

And she's right.



And of course, today there is a quote on Facebook that sums it up for me and the fact that I thought I was alone because I cannot see everyone else's craziness, just like I suppose nobody saw mine either ;-) :

"The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel." ~Steve Furtick

Every day I learn to cope a little more which lessens my worry. The funny thing I was thinking about after reading the above was that there are really people out there that do not worry about things the way I do. Who do not analyze every moment of every day of their life. People who just live, who do not wonder if what they are doing is "right" or "wrong". People who know that there isn't a right or wrong only a "what's best at that moment".

I wonder if I can ever be one of them . . . if I will ever stop obsessing . . .

but even more intriguing to me . . .

I wonder when I started doing it???

Spellbound

This morning I saw this quotation on Facebook. What a nice surprise! Very fitting because it was exactly what I had planned on doing today - telling you all about a joyous positive thing that happened to me! Again!

I finished a book!!

A real novel book! And I liked it! And it took me about 2 weeks, not 2 years!


Another first in a long time ;-)

Let me start with the fact that I bought this book 2 - 3 months ago based on one sentence mentioned in an awesome blog I read. I had no idea what it was about. She said it was good. I bought it. Never looked at it again. Then a couple weeks ago, after giving up my self help books, I needed to read something. I thought I'd try this one.

The book is called The Thirteenth Tale by Diane Setterfield. 

I was hooked by this book from the very beginning. I would read it at every opportunity. I would read it in bed, past my bedtime, eyes stinging, until I fell asleep with it in my hands.

From the beginning, I was drawn to the narrator's love of books and reading. The way she spoke about it resonated with me. I was excited to hear what she would say next. One of the first lines that got me was:

“For I was spellbound. There is something about words. In expert hands, manipulated deftly, they take you prisoner. Wind themselves around your limbs like spider silk, and when you are so entralled you cannot move, they pierce your skin, enter your blood, numb your thoughts. Inside they work their magic.”


And then: “For me, to see is to read. It has always been that way.”

That is me – 100%.

The thing I love about books is the fact that everyone can read the same book and come away with a totally different experience from it. Where you are in your life at the time can change what you interpret from the book. This is one major reason why I disagree with people dissecting books, trying to ascertain what the author meant and telling you that is the only version. Firstly, no one “knows” exactly why the author wrote the book and secondly, it is not about that, it is what the reader takes away from it that matters. Like a piece of visual art or music. It is all art and up for personal interpretation.

The Thirtheenth Tale is a suspense story about authors, families and the “ghosts” in their closet. The amazing thing for me is that I got so much more out of this book than the story written on its pages. Not all books can do that to you. Some truly are just the story you read with nothing behind it. To me a great book "works their magic" inside you. This one did that to me. A part of the story is about two sets of twins. What I connected with was the way the author described the feelings and thoughts of the twins but instead of connecting with my own physical twin, I was connecting with my inner self! I connected to the things the characters said but in a totally different context! It hit me as I though I had said or thought these same things over the years. About myself and others, the different thoughts and/or feelings I have had. All about the completely different circumstances in my own personal life.


Oh the multiple light bulb moments that went off all through this story. I can’t even explain! I have multiple highlighted sections all through this book and my next project is to expand on them all in written form. I feel like I have so much to say! Yet right now, right here, if I started to do that, you would have no frame of reference in which to build on, so a lot of it may not make sense. In fact, what I wish to accomplish with "writing" about this is not to rehash or review the book but to clarify the highlighted parts in my own way, what they meant to me and what feelings and opinions they evoked in me.


So this means, I must leave it for another time. Maybe I can share it, after I have been able to put it into words that will make sense to everyone. A brand new writing project for me. So exciting!

If only I can stop reading long enough to write . . . . .