Well . . .

First off, I really need to work on my "titles" of these posts. How boring!

Well . . . I have been eating like crap. Not crap per se . . . but just very little interspersed with crap (McDonalds Big Mac on Monday for lunch!!). The reason for this is my lack of drive and motivation has stopped me from grocery shopping, therefore no real eating.

Not really eating breakfast, then having salad for lunch and I'm not even sure what I've been having for dinner! lol. I have been eating eggs for breakfast, lunch and dinner when necessary lol. So easy.

With baseball Mondays and Tuesdays directly after work lots of the days, I've been meeting my husband at a restaurant for a beer and food before the games. Crap!  (That's stopping effective immediately! That's how I gained 30 lbs. when I first started dating him!)

"Quick" fast-food burgers out sometimes for lunch or dinner. Crap!

And when I'm at home and don't have appropriate real food in the house, I just don't eat.

All of this needs to stop. Immediately.

Effective now - uhm nope Friday - uhm nope - Saturday! Yes, Saturday! Effective Saturday groceries will once again be brought into the house. Meals will be planned and prepared. Life will return to normal.

On a another positive note, I have done my running. I ran 3 times last week. Then I ran trail on Sunday with friends and some new ladies. Which was great because they have been racing some of the trail races I have on my "one day" list, so it was nice talking to them about it. I ran with Blue on Tuesday morning before work. I will run tonight after work and Saturday and Sunday! Glad to get that back on track. I have my whole schedule planned and stuck to my fridge.

Hope everyone else is doing great. And I'm thinking about "our Ironwoman to be" and hope things are on track for you!!  Heading into taper I assume . . .

Hi to everyone and don't forget to comment!

I think I'm having what they call a "Mid-life crisis" . . .

I knew I’ve needed something different for a long time. Years even. Something to excite me; to make every day worthwhile. Somewhere along the way I decided it must be my job that needed to change.

As I went along trying to figure out how to change my job I realized that all “jobs” are basically the same, especially since I’d just be jumping jobs not changing my “career”. So then that lead to the idea that it must be my “career” that needed to change. I needed to get out  of my “career” into something totally different. Yep, that’s the key, I thought to myself. That will fix everything.

So I throw myself into thinking about, researching new careers, education, job opportunities, starting my own business etc. I jumped onto that bandwagon full force. I spent weeks on that. I came out with an idea, made some decisions, planned it out and then waited for the pieces to fall into place. As I calmed down and reality set back in, I realized that I wasn’t even sure I actually wanted to do what I’d been planning.

Now that this reality set in I felt a little disappointed. Now what?, I thought. Now I’m not doing anything and I have to do or change something to be happy, remember?? Get on it. Figure it out. I felt out of control of my own life.  Depressed. I was feeling desperate for something, anything, to come to me.

Light bulb appears over my head. MOVE! That’s it! I need to move. There’s the change I need. I’ll move to Yellowknife for a while, live off the job there, find another one, work while doing the schooling I needed for my original plan above. Moving forces me to change careers and I need the help to get me into action. Another perfect idea!  Except one big obstacle – family. I have a family that needs to be considered in this. Hmmm . . . So I start to figure out how to deal with that. I talk to my daughter, I check out the high school so she can come with me. I play everything out in my head. It works. Except deep inside I hear some faint screaming. No you can’t do this. It’s not in the plan. You made a promise.

Promise. Plan.  Shit, where did that voice just come from?? Ahhh yes, the original original plan. The promise I made to myself about 5-6 years ago. The one I have been keeping because it is very very important to me:

“I will start my life, doing what I want, once I have raised my children and gotten them through high school.”  I brought them into this world and it is my responsibility to help them get to the adult world. After that they are on their own. My last 20 yrs have been dedicated to them. That was my passion, my job, my responsibility, to raise them the best I could with what I had. After that, my life becomes my own.

I have 2 years left in the “plan”. Only 2 years. I need to stick to the plan. As I thought this through I realized that it was ok. My plan to change careers and move, etc. wasn’t as much about me as I originally thought. I was only making that decision based on “needing to change something” but there was a missing piece of the puzzle though – a big one – I didn’t want the eventual outcome. Thinking about the end result didn’t make me happy. It just changed my career and job and not to something I wanted. It would be no better than what I was doing now. I decided the best action I could take is to spend the next 2 years actually planning for “my life” instead of jumping at the first thing I think of just because I’m desperate, which is what I had been doing.

I have since been reading and researching and soul searching to find out who I am. Still processing. Still learning but the biggest “Aha” moment I have come to so far, is this:

It is not about jobs or careers or what other people want or expect, etc. It is about making changes within yourself to do the stuff you WANT to do for you personally. Find out what makes you HAPPY. Fulfilling your needs and wants. Doing the things you enjoy. Once you find those things and do them regularly, you will be happier in all areas of your life. Even the job you once thought you hated becomes tolerable (possibly even likeable again) because it’s not your job that defines you or your life. Doing what makes you happy should. Changing your job or where you live is not going to “fix” your unhappiness. It might feel like that in the beginning but you’ll end up doing the same things you always do except you are in a different location.

Trying new things you think you might like, trying things you never thought you wanted. While taking the time for yourself and trying out everything you may find what you love to do, what gets you excited and you may find out what you hate, which is good too. Once you find the things, you make sure you take the time to do them everyday. And if those actions lead to a new career or a move or both then lucky you. If not, you’ll still be happily fulfilling yourself wherever you are.

Kicking myself in the ASS now!

I can't believe I did this. I put off running over and over again. Not today I'm tired. Not today it's raining. Not today I should take a rest day off (because of all the sports). Not today, not today, not today.

Well here we are now at the "real start" of training season for the Run for the Toad 25km Trail Race and take ONE GUESS WHO'S NOT READY!!??? Good lord . . . Why do I do this to myself?

I don't want to get hurt. I don't want to get a stupid injury because I didn't bother to run on a regular basis over the spring. So this is my tiny venting and then I'll let it go. There's nothing I can do about now.  I can only try my best and see what happens.

On a positive note, I have been walking almost twice a day for 6 months. At least I haven't been a couch potatoe. I figure the walking has to count for something. Lately though it has been very short walks.  :-(

My main concern right now is how long and how often to start back in. I ran once a week for 2 weeks - 5-6 km ish. Then this weekend I ran 6.5 kms Saturday and 5.5 kms Sunday. Felt good. Feet were a little sore - going to have to remember to roll them  . . .

My schedule tells me that starting next week I should run 24 km total for the week. Yikes! Uhmm . . . 12 kms last week + 10% rule =  13.2 kms this week. HAHAHAHA!

Guess I'll spend a little time revamping this schedule. And by a little, I mean half an hour tonight!  I think I might just revamp it to only go to 20 kms (not 22 kms as suggested) as my longest run in training and just wing the last 5 kms on race day. That way the lead up can be a little less all the way through.

I'll run tomorrow a.m. 3-4 kms and Friday a.m. same. Longish run sometime Sunday . . .  hoping for the best . . .  wish me luck . . . and call me Dumbass!

Wow

A month has gone by.

I knew it was bad. Sorry guys!

I've been doing quite a bit of personal reading, research and soul-searching. Not too much though . . . don't want to get too close to that!

I'm not really any closer to answering my problems but I am feeling a little more at peace. I don't know where I am headed but am confident in my ability to make choices and listen to my inner voice.

I also do not know where this blog is going. So it might end up to be a stream of random thoughts. It might change focus from post to post. But I will be posting.  :-)   and that makes me happy that I can confidently say that.

Have a wonderful day and watch out for the next post.

Toodles

Just when you thought it was safe . . .

I pop up and burst your bubble with reality. A post about food on a Friday afternoon of a long weekend. Don't you just hate me!!??!!

So you are all aware of my "crazy" eating habits. Nobody understands how I can even survive a day without BREAD (swooning) and pasta! are you crazy? How in the world can you run and play sports?? Without pasta?? Wow . . . but anyway. I do run and play sports with unlimited energy. You all wonder how in the world I survive my days and all the stuff I do . . . it's because I eat REAL FOOD not processed FAKE "food". I even HATE putting the word "food" beside processed because I don't want you thinking that "processed food" is food because its not.

I do occasionally eat JUNK. Yup I do. Sugar is my addiction. I try very hard not to let it control me. I am going on at least 3 years trying not to go overboard on sugar. One year of almost all real foods only (paleo-ish).  But sugar is my downfall. In junk food. I don't care about table sugar - I never crave that. I just wanted you to know I'm not ironwilled and that yes, I do eat some junk.

Now before you close off your mind because I'm on a soapbox . . . hear me out. My intention is NOT to preach, it is to help. So I end my tirade right here. . . . with a link below to a great article on junk/snack foods and why we love them. So take 10 mins, open your mind and actually READ the article.

This isn't intended for you to fret over and not enjoy yourself. It is a learning tool to help you think consciously about the things you put in your mouth.

Have a great long weekend! And enjoy it. . . . you know I will!

Why Snack Food Is Addictive . . .

Sun, Sun, Mr Golden Sun Please Shine Down on me (us!) . . .

The best I can do for everyone is to say . . . there will be some sun this weekend.

I’m not going to tell you how long it will last or how warm it will or won’t be. But I will say sunshine will arrive. The thing about the sun is that somehow it makes everything better – ever notice that? I love sun. My mood improves so much when the sun comes out. Especially in the spring. I think we just get so subdued all winter and especially late February and March. Then the temperature goes above zero and we get the odd warm day . . . and the odd rainy day. Then we get the rain which means spring. Spring smells amazing . . . when it comes. The sun is great but when it is paired with that smell I feel like I can take on the whole world. It makes me giddy.

If there was a way to contain that feeling and sell it, I’d be a very rich woman. But if that was the case, eventually it would be always available and you would not feel it as special anymore. So we need to learn to not only “get by” during the crappy weather times but to thrive.

Rain. It’s been raining here in Ontario for days. It has been grey and rainy for so many days that it actually feels like weeks on end. Funny how that happens. Who can remember the last sunny day? I actually think it was last Monday. But I don’t get out much . . . so I can’t be sure.

Back to the rain, lol. Rain is beautiful – for a day once in a while we think. We always want it sunny. But we NEED the rain. The rain is cleansing. It cleans up the streets and sidewalks. It makes everything GREEN. The grass is growing sooo much. Did anyone else notice that the tree buds came out seemingly overnight on the weekend?? And in the past two days the trees are green and actually have small leaves? No? Take a look out your window. Watch the trees as you’re driving. It looks so nice. And it smells clean. What – you didn’t notice? That’s because you’re avoiding the outside. GET OUT THERE! Notice that your kids got a bit excited and hyper even though there is rain? They know what’s coming. They can’t wait. Watch your dogs as you walk them, they’ll stop and stick their noses in the air to smell the air. They can smell it coming too. I walk Blue in the mornings . . . it seems to be mostly clear of rain in the wee hours of the a.m. I know most of you probably don’t want to be up at 6 a.m. but it is quiet, clean, and not pouring rain. It feels really good to get in a half hour walk (or a run for those of us that do that) or even better – just stand or sit outside on your porch and have your morning coffee. Listen to the birds. Watch the squirrels and rabbits (if you are so lucky to see them). Check out the worms and snails. I have seen more worms this week than the past few years because I’m up when they are . . . no wonder I’m seeing so many birds!! I see all the worms and I want to catch them and go fishing! Oh!! And this week I have seen multiple red cardinals . . . HERE in Mississauga! In the middle of the city! Do you know how RED the cardinals look against the black asphalt or green grass?? Vivid . . . Exquisite. Love it!

And Blue Jays!! Listening to the Blue Jays always makes me feel happy. I grew up my middle years (5 yrs to 12 yrs old) in Hamilton – Steel Town. I grew up near the steel factories. I walked by them to and from school. My grade school K-5 was 3 blocks down from the plant! I know there were trees there somewhere but not like here. So I think the Blue Jays always remind me of coming to visit my grandparents here in Mississauga. I think of good times and good food. I think of seeing my extended family. I think of wandering about Streetsville with my siblings by ourselves, hiking down to the Credit River, catching crayfish. When I hear a Blue Jay, I get a warm and fuzzy inside, deep in my belly, in my soul. My grandparents are long gone but I don’t feel sad when I hear the Blue Jays, I feel good.


That and the cicadas in the dead heat of summer. The sound they make. I can't even describe it but you know it when you hear it. Cicadas always remind me of summer at my grandparents too. I don't think I EVER heard a cicada in Hamilton. Ever. For most of my life, it was a noise I ONLY associated with Mississauga. For the first time a few years ago I actually SAW what a cicada looks like. Kinda took away from the joy initially, but very interesting. Lol.


Crows – I’ve been hearing some crows as I’ve walked Blue too. Crows . . . remind me of camping. Love camping . . . hate the crows cawing in the mornings, so early and you really want to be sleeping, but dammit the nylon tent walls really don’t block a single noise! Lol. Even the crows have made me happy. Birds are out in the rain no matter what. You still hear their songs . . . be it beautiful or annoying.


Why? Why Michele? You ask incredulously . . . why happy with all this rain? Because it means the spring is here. It means everything is renewing including our souls. Everything is growing. It means summer is on its way. It means we have at least four months to come without snow and below zero temperatures.


It means running and having a nice drizzle keeping you from exploding from the heat.

It means some lazy days in bed with your spouse, or your kids, or pets or books, enjoying a slight cool breeze coming in your window. Smell that?

Take a look outside your tent, trailer or back door. Look at the droplets of dew or leftover rain on the big green leaves of the trees. Are you smiling?

Walking through the woods (big or small) after a rain fall . . . listen to the droplets falling from leaf to leaf or to the ground – plop. Peaceful. That’s what I hear.

The little creeks and brooks around you or on a hike with your kids . . . they wouldn’t be there if it didn’t rain. Listen to them gurgling and flowing.

AND PUDDLES!! I loved puddles as a kid. I probably still do if I didn’t care about my feet getting wet. Or if I owned rubber boots (which by the way will be my next purchase). Splashing in puddles. Remember doing that?? Oh ya . . . you do, I know it. I can feel it. I can see you smiling! Actually I was in rubber boots and splashing through puddles like a six year old . . . probably about 2 years ago while camping. Damn if I had a pic I’d put it up. We went camping, my kids and I and my sister and her two kids. God it rained. It rained like it is this week. Almost the whole week. I had borrowed rubber boots (Thanks Alicia!). They were black with white polka dots – classic. I wandered around the campground in those boots and tight bike shorts and jacket and probably a baseball cap. Someone likened me to a cheap prostitute (might have been my teenage son) lmao! I tromped thru puddles on purpose! IT WAS FUN! I had boots! I wasn’t wet and cold, it was awesome! The other time to stomp thru puddles is a great summer storm . . . the heat and all of sudden it starts raining but the sun is still shining and everything is sparkling and so warm and the big drops of rain hitting you and the big puddles that form. Get ready for this . . . I know you guys did this. . . you RAN in the house, put your bathing suits on and WENT BACK OUT IN THE RAIN!! And you JUMPED in the PUDDLES! Damn right you did! It was fun.


Life is about FUN.

Don’t waste it complaining about stuff you have no control over (the weather).

The rest of it – you have control over – take control. Don’t waste your life by not taking control of how you spend your time and your life.

HAVE FUN AND ENJOY YOURSELF!

Whirlwind

The past few weeks have been what could be called a whirlwind.



Not in that exciting, happy, new romance kind of whirlwind. More like a blowing, turbulent tornado where you never know where you'll be from one minute to the next.


I had grandiose writing plans . . . I had lists in my head of things to do. Somehow it seemed that those "things" should only take 20-30 mins each - max! Ummm not so much. Once I found "some time" I realized it was going to take hours for some things. Hmpff . . . that sucks. So I guess I'll work at them little by little.



Along with those few things I wanted to write (still not done btw), I wanted to start brainstorming and researching possible new careers. For me this is a problem because I see this as a priority. A "fire" if you will. Mainly because I don't want to waste any more time and will need to apply to a program for the September start. Which means I need to figure this out quickly. That and I hate waiting. I always want to do "it" now. Whatever "it" is - they all seem like a "great idea!" at the time I think about it but once reality sets in I can usually see the not so great things about it. So I'm usually very happy that there is some reason I am not able to do things "right now" be it time, money, other commitments. But maybe I would have done more and experienced more things in my life if I could have just done everything whenever I wanted. But as always "no regrets".


So my past 2 weeks have gone something like this: work all day, checking things out on the internet during "lunch" and "breaks" (and maybe some other times in there when I was supposed to be working but shhh don't tell anyone). Then go home, race thru dinner and whatever home responsibilities really had to be done (not too many I thought were important lol). Then onto the computer. What really happened was I'd get maybe an hour . . . which an hour of internet time really isn't much . . . then all of a sudden I'd realize I was late to go to sleep. Ugh! Then the next day it started all over again. It was like the movie "Groundhog Day".


All in all, it made me feel useless at everything! Nothing was ever actually completed. I haven't done real grocery shopping in weeks! Writing - not done. House cleaning - not done. Work - not done to the level it should be. Career research - nearly done. :-) So at least I've accomplished something!


The best part about it happening now is that the hockey playoffs are on right now so basically Kevin does not care one iota that I have been distracted and not "around" lol. He's been watching hockey every single night. My son is out of town and my daughter is on the laptop in front of the computer with me! So my family hasn't noticed too much - except maybe the lack of real dinners or food in the house. lol.


So . . . that's it for today. Just thought I'd do an update, let you all know I am still around. I am hoping to one day be back to "normal". Alright, alright, stop laughing.