Today on my morning walk with Blue something amazing happened.


I smelled the heat! And with it spring! Finally!


I could actually smell the warm pockets of air. It made me so happy. I need the warmth. It seems like it was a very long cold winter and I couldn't seem to pull myself out of this little depression.


But this morning was joyful. I smelled it briefly and then it was gone. It was that brief and surprised "Oh!"  and I smiled a real smile. But then it was gone. I lifted my head and sniffed trying to find it again. I almost thought I was imagining it but thankfully I was able to find a few more spots along the way.


It reminded me of swimming in a cold lake and finding a warm spot. You get all excited and just as quickly it's gone. You keep swimming around trying to find another one and another one. That was me this morning.


What does heat smell like you may wonder?


To me the heat or warmth smells warm and moist and deep and heavy. It brings upon me feelings of happiness and the promise of more. The promise of warm mornings and the shedding of these heavy sweaters and pants, letting my body breathe and feel the air against my skin. The promise of fun days and sunshine and family and friends and outdoor activities. Of coffee in the backyard watching the world wake up. Of glorious yellow and orange sunrises. Of green buds starting to show on the trees and bushes and flower beds. Of warm nights sitting outside enjoying the slight breeze.

Spring . . . Thank you for coming, it's been a while.

I got home on Friday after work to find my home without cable tv, internet or home phone. What a great start! I thought. I had a lot of work to do. My last assignment for my course was due at midnight and I had to do a huge revision.

So after spending 30 mins on the phone with Rogers, I ended up with the "first available technician appointment" scheduled for SUNDAY a.m. Grrrr .... Ok, it is what it is, just deal with it, and move along.

So that's what I did. I got to work. At 10:30 p.m. I put my laptop in my backpack and walked through the snow to my local Tim Hortons. I got myself a blueberry tea and a gross oatmeal raisin cookie. Did you know that cookie variety is very limited at night?? What a disappointment. I don't go there very often so the cookie was to be a treat! But an oatmeal raisin cookie is not my idea of a treat.

So sitting at Tim Hortons, using their Wi-Fi, I submitted my final assignment. Whew!

My course is done this week. Which I am glad of. I am waiting for the final class on Wednesday that goes into more detail about the course as a career and how to move forward. I am not sure if I want to continue in this line of courses or not.

One thing I learned is that course took up A LOT OF MY TIME. Whether it was the adjustment to learning or doing it online or the subject matter, who knows. What I do know is that if I take another course I need to be prepared for it to consume me and my time. I have a feeling my next course will be more of a creative writing course. I think my need to express myself is driving me. I don't feel the need to learn a new career. I feel the need to fulfill something for me personally.

I am going to chill out and just breathe for a while after it ends. See what comes to me and where my soul leads me next.

It's a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes you happy. ~Lucille Ball

February

I hate February.



Yes, I said it. I used the word 'hate'. Yes it is a strong word but really really useful sometimes.


It's Tuesday. I was wishing the week over on Monday morning!! Guess what? It's no better today.


Sometimes it's just that way. I can't seem to find anything to make it better. And work .... well that's near impossible. I cannot concentrate even one little bit. I was done mentally at 11 a.m. today. I've been sitting here making it look good.



February is:

... cold.

... dark.

... depressing.

... blah.

... long (ironically it is the shortest in the number of days).



I feel couped up. I feel sad. I feel bored. I feel antsy. I feel like I want to sleep just so I don't have to think or do anything. I feel mad. I feel restless. I feel lazy. I feel irritable. As I write these descriptions, I realize I am in conflict with what it is that I am feeling exactly!


I guess the questions is: What do I want, really want at this moment? Obviously my insides are searching for something ... and not finding it.


So do I really hate February? Or is that the only thing my brain could come up with to excuse the feelings? I think my brain should stay out of this. I need to feel those feelings. Really stop and live them. Just BE in them until the answer comes to me. Stop and just be. It will come to me eventually. Usually when I'm doing something else and no longer expecting it.


Wow, I love writing. It releases the crazies I have running around inside me. Clarifies and calms me. Almost lays a pathway in front of me to follow.



What releases your crazies?

I wanted to apologize for my lack of contact.


I started an online course on January 9th. Yay me! Finally. I've been talking about it for years and finally took the plunge.

Well let me tell you - what an experience! A huge learning curve.


The amounts of reading and information that needs to be taken in is huge. I found out the hard way that my comprehension level after 8:30 p.m. is slim to none. So I changed my schedule to wake up an hour earlier and do reading and course work in the morning when my mind is sharp and clear.

There is also the fact that the college recommended 7 - 9 hours per week to be spent on course work is actually LOW for a newbie. Try doubling that for the first few weeks. First I needed to be able to FOCUS for long periods of time. What!?! We are a society of multitaskers and information overload. The first week I swore I had undiagnosed A.D.D. My attention span lasted about 3-4 sentences MAX on reading and retaining what I had read.

Then I needed to relearn how to read teacher-speak and read assignments. The key was to figure out how the teacher wanted  things done without actually telling you how to do it! We are so used to being told what to do in our jobs. We wait for instruction because it is usually coming at us constantly. A society of robots, doing as we are told, not thinking for ourselves.

Then there is the weekly assignments. I needed to figure out the proper wording, arrangement, style, etc. all on my own. This is an online course and almost all communication is done through message boards and email. There is no option to go in after school and ask for help! And the risk of MIScommunicating is high. It is very difficult to have a "discussion" on email.

Then comes fitting this in with all your regular responsibilities at home! I'm sure no explanation is required.
So in the end ... it has been 4 weeks and I'm feeling confident. I have a better handle on the whole thing, I have my timing organized, and I am sure that the course will go well now.

I have fought the fear. I have taken a leap. And I have landed on both feet.

Yay me!

You gain strength, experience, and confidence by every experience

where you really stop to look fear in the face . . . .

You must do the thing you cannot do.

Eleanor Roosevelt

Happy New Year!

And here we go again. The start of a new year . . .

Here's to hoping it's a better one. So far so good. Although as I write that I realize that it is not about "hoping" and letting life lead you. It's about taking the lead in your life. I believe life has a some what predetermined path of some kind but you don't blindly follow it.

You pick and choose the directions you are going. Many people believe that the choices are either right or wrong. White or black. However, I think it's not so much about right or wrong but what you experience and learn with each turn you take.

Making the "right" choice to bring you your every wish is not the key to life. All choices are "right" because they lead you along your path, your journey through life. It is our journey that is the key to life, not what we get in the end. Even if it seems like you took a step backwards or sideways. It could just be that you learned a route not to take or that you needed to take a break and stop to take a look around and reassess the situation. Or that you simply needed to rest. Every step on this journey is necessary. Only a moment in time in our life but each moment is meant to be experienced.

Life is full of these moments - sometimes the way is clear and sometimes it's like walking through a forest, at night, without moonlight to show you the way. While you are stumbling down the path, possibly full of roots and rocks, ocassionally bumping into trees, remember that eventually the morning comes and with it clarity and light.

It is that moment, when you stumble out into the bright sunshine, that you smile and say to yourself - "Aha, I see it now" that you realize you ARE on the right path. This path, full of twists and turns, and ups and downs, darkness and light, is right because it is YOUR path. You belong here and it is up to you to find your way . . . not by asking directions or following others . . . but by making your own choices, following your gut and going in the direction YOU want to take. Most importantly while on this path, do not forget to look around and experience every moment, pause sometimes to take a deep breath of fresh air, take in the scenery, and enjoy . . .

2013 - a new year - it is your path - will you lead in the light or follow blindly in the dark?

YUP!

I know . . . slacking . . . hopefully soon.

Too many things pulling me in many directions at this time of the year. I dislike it.

Bah hum bug!

Meet you back here soon!

Next project: Learning to be alone with myself

I know - You think it sounds weird but try it . . .

We are never alone even when we are alone. Electronics keep us in touch and frantic. Noise, constant noise. Cell phones, radio, TV's, kids, people, cars, on and on. We don't even realize sometimes. We fill our lives with busy-ness . . . kids activities, our activities, the gym, running, friends, family, emails, texts, phone calls, then life stuff - the "have-to's", cleaning, shopping, cooking, working.


Turn it all off and see what happens. The silence is disarming. Try it one day when your family leaves the house . . . turn off the tv, radio, cell phone . . . sit still for 2 minutes. Let me know how that goes for you.

I know how it goes for me . . . the first ten to twenty seconds are so peaceful! Ahhhhhhhh. And then WHAM!! the brain and a constant stream of thoughts take the place of all the other noises I just got rid of. Stop it! I yell at them. They talk back. This isn't useful, I think, but it is, really truly. It is just learning how to let them go. I'm working on it.

The sitting silently (meditation) is only one small part of my project. It is an ongoing one. But I think it goes hand in hand with learning to be alone with myself and exactly what I mean by that.


Actually I need to revise my project already . . . Learning to be alone with myself and LIKE it!


My husband went out of town today for 3 weeks. As the day progresses, I haven't heard from very many people and I start to feel weird. The weirdness turns into slight panic and anxiety. That feeling drives me to immediately want to call, email or text someone, have some sort of contact or even turn to tv or computer for mind-numbing. It's as if I'm not comfortable with myself - I need to go find someone else to talk to, someone to distract me from this "aloneness" . . .


Why? I ask myself. Ahhh . . . The ultimate question, my soul answers back with a winky face, the answer to that question you have to figure out on your own. And that's when I realize that there is another fairly big step to take in my journey . . . being alone with me. And liking it.


What I mean is relying on myself for everything: entertainment, conversation, love, understanding, happiness, etc. Everything I get from other people - I want to learn to get it from myself.


So the first thing I am doing is feeling the feelings. Then I'll work with them. I'll figure it out. It's been a good journey so far and I have figured stuff out on my own and it makes me feel proud. This will be one more step.